Things that make me smile :)

James has been doing so many things lately that make me laugh until I cry. He's now officially closer to three than two and whether I want to admit it or not, he is hardly a baby anymore. He says now that he's my "big boy baby." I'll take it while it lasts. :) His little personality has just blossomed - I love who God has made him.

I just wanted to record a few cute stories of our life with him lately - before he's just my "big boy" and not my "big boy baby" anymore.


1. James and Daddy have been having "boy's night" once a week while I go to a women's Bible study. The first week that I attended, I came home to a story that really made laugh. Stephen told me that they went to Walmart and browsed the toy aisles. James came across an etch-a-sketch and said that he wanted one. Stephen told him that maybe Mama and Daddy could get him one for Christmas or that we could ask Santa for one. He thought about it for a minute and said matter-of-factly "No, I want Ma Collins to get me one." (Grandma Collins is my mother's mother, and his Great-grandma.) Since we don't live close to her or get to see family in South Carolina as often as we'd like, it really tickled me that she came to his mind. I called her later that week to tell her the story (I knew she would love that he mentioned her), and I told her that an etch-a-sketch would be a great idea to get him for Christmas. A few days later we  found a package at the door - she didn't wait until Christmas. He is definitely not lacking for anything - especially people that love him. :)

2. James loves animals, and so we visit Petsmart quite a bit and just look at the fish, birds, cats, etc with James. It's free entertainment, and he thinks that it's just the best thing to "go see the pets!" On our last visit he asked if he could bring this little grasshopper pull toy with us. We agreed but didn't think much about it. When we got inside and he was pulling it behind him in the store, I realized that he asked to bring it because he was trying to walk his "pet" on it's "leash" like he's seen all the other dog owners do in Petsmart on previous visits. At first I thought it was precious, and then my little softie heart could not take it. I found an employee and asked "What is the cheapest and easiest fish that we could purchase for our 2 year old son?" And now we are officially the proud owners of "Water", a female beta fish. :) And he absolutely adores his "pet."

3. He has so many little phrases and funny things that he says lately. He uses the word "yeppers" (he says that Daddy taught him that one) now. And his most beloved phrase that he uses when he is surprised by something is "Oh, chicken fingers!" That one continues to make us laugh. He says that he heard it on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse...probably true! :) He says things like, "I want to visit the Statue of Liberty soon" and I constantly ask myself where he comes up with these things. He also woke up at 4 a.m. on Sunday morning and would not go back to sleep, because as I was putting him to sleep the night before he was being very inquisitive and I told him that I would, per his request, find out about "what the white stuff was on the mice" in his animal video when he woke up in the morning. And so early the next morning, he was ready to hold me to my word (he is very literal!) I will never let questions about life's great mysteries ever go unanswered before bedtime again, believe me! It was not funny at 4 a.m., but honestly, it's one of the things that I love about him the most. I hope he never stops asking questions.

4. I love that he is forming his own opinion about many things including what he likes to wear. This outfit of choice made me laugh until I cried. I love that he marches to the beat of his own drum, and I hope he always will be proud of who he is and who God made him. :) I pray that he'll always be an imitator of Jesus and nobody else.

What 2 1/2 looks like

This is what 2 1/2 looks like in our world.

It looks like cinnamon rolls and singing "Happy Half Birthday to You" before church. 

It looks like seeing the world from about 36 inches tall and around twenty-"neight" pounds. It looks like size 2T clothing (sometimes smaller pants and sometimes bigger shirts), size 5 diapers, and size 8 or 9 shoes. It looks like an afternoon nap after a morning of adventure. It looks like eating (all the food groups now) and sleeping better than ever! It looks like being very interested in the potty, but just not there yet. 

It looks like a little charmer. It sounds like "Guess how much I love you, Mama?" "How much, baby?" "A lot! A lot, Mama!" Two and half looks like smiling with nose crinkled and eyes squinted in the way that melts your heart (and he knows it too!). It sounds like drawing out the pronunciation of every girl's name in the most darling way: "I want my friend Liiii-ly to come to myyyy house", "I'm going to marry yooou, Maaaaa-ma!", and "I want to play with yooou, Saaaaa-rah" to our sweet librarian. It sounds like saying "hi" and "thank you" to a cashier at every store that we enter and being reminded that "I made her heart happy today." You are sweet upon sweet, little boy!

Two and a half looks like never forgetting anything and always remembering everything. It sounds like full conversations repeated back days later and reciting to us word-for-word instructions given days, weeks, or even months earlier (when we didn't know if he was even listening) about how to hit a baseball or why we never go in the street by ourselves. It looks like knowing all the boundaries, but sometimes still choosing to cross them. It looks like a strong will that I believe, steered carefully in the right direction, will serve him well one day. It sounds like tears, prayers, and "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" from both child and parent. It looks like us teaching him, but him teaching us too. 

Two and a half sounds like an adamant "I want to do it by myself." It looks like using a stool (that he affectionately calls his "stage") to attempt to brush his own teeth, wash his own hands, and turn the lights on and off all by himself. It looks like helping Mama in the kitchen with cooking, unloading the dishwasher, and setting the table for dinner. 

It looks like reservation that always warms up to friendly and sweet. It looks like a heart of compassion. It sounds like "That's so sweet!" or "That's so sad!" spoken with so much passion and conviction. It looks like tears streaming down a little face when he feels sad for others. It looks like parents searching for "little Nemo" way past bedtime because "he needs his Mama." 

Two and a half sounds like "Dear God, Thank you our food food and family. Amen!" It looks like a "big boy" that's thankfully not too big yet for cuddling and rocking in his Mama's lap. It looks like running to the door with excitement to greet Daddy after work. It sounds like an unprompted "I love you." It looks like books piled high on the bed and snuggled under the covers between Mama and Daddy as we read "just one more story".

It looks like wide-eyed wonder and endless curiosity. It sounds like a constant chorus of "Why?" and "What's that?" It looks like inquisitive observations and hands-on learning. It sounds like "He sure is a fast bug!" It looks like magnifying glasses, bug catchers, and a pet roly poly. It looks like trains and trucks all over the floor, books about animals open on the couch, and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playing like a soundtrack in the background of our daily living.

It sounds like being able to say just about anything now but choosing to answer Mama and Daddy like Curious George instead (I have lost count of the times we've said "Please talk like a big boy and not a monkey" lately. That's what two and a half sounds like in our world!) It looks like controlled chaos - it's daily blasting off on one wild and wonderful ride!

Two and a half sounds like a life that fills our home with joy and laughter. It looks like loving him more than words could express.

A picnic in the park and lessons in parenting.

(I wanted to take a minute to reflect on my two most precious gifts this morning (my husband of 5 years and my sweetest little boy that is 26 months old today!) and remember a special day that we shared together as a family. The last few months we have felt God so near to us, although we have been in a bit of a holding pattern and God's direction and next step for our family has been unclear. I just want to express in the midst of waiting and seeking His direction for us, my gratitude for the family that he has given to me.) Here are some lessons that I have learned through them:

Parenting is a ride like no other.

There are moments that feel like a walk in the park. 

And there are those moments/days sprinkled in, too,
when you just want to hide your face and start again tomorrow...

leaving you wondering just exactly how you stack up as a parent 

to this little person that God has entrusted into your care.

I've learned there are many tasks you do over and over again.

Like fixing shoes, 

and fixing meals 

(oh, and some meals are more relaxed than others, for sure), 

and organizing and reorganizing. It's just part of it.

 But it's good and it's growing.

There are wild moments...

and testing of the waters. 

And there are some days that I feel like I'm running around 

like a chicken with my head cut off.

(i.e. mid-shopping trip melt down)

But I'm running after a little boy that is running full speed ahead

and every day for him is a new, exciting adventure to be had. 

And so I'll keep "running".

Because I don't want to miss even a single second of this crazy adventure.

I am Stephen's wife...

and James' Mama. 

And I am exactly what I always wanted to be. 

I may not have everything this world has to offer, 

but I am loved by the two that are 

everything to me in this world. 

I am rich. 

And I am thankful.

Happy Birthday James!

Our Sweet James,

How is it possible that two years have already come and gone since the day that we first held you in our arms, our lives forever changed for the better? We’ve already been given two whole years with you, and yet I don’t think there will ever be enough days or enough years to enjoy you enough or express the depth of our love for you. In the early days of your life sometimes we felt so lost and uncertain about the decisions that we were making, but as we began to look to you and listen to your little (but powerful) voice you showed us exactly what you truly needed. You learned to trust, first, in the arms of your Mama and Daddy and although at times it felt like you slept more in our arms than anywhere else, I know that we’ll never regret one second of those moments when we look back on those long, sleepless days (and nights) with you.

In two years time you’ve grown from a seven-pound little wonder into a curious, energetic toddler that continually amazes us each day. Every new milestone is a cause for celebration and each new stage quickly becomes our new favorite with you. Your first smile, your first laugh, your first time rolling over, your first steps, your first words, your first prayer – we are always your biggest fans with each new discovery and each new adventure (and we always will be!). We want you to know that your birth helped us to understand more clearly than ever before how God loves His children. It’s not about being good enough or nice enough or doing enough good things – God loves you simply because you’re His. Don’t ever forget that you don’t have to do anything to receive our love, sweet boy. We love you because you are ours, and nothing could ever change that.

As the days of your life continue to unfold, we get a tiny glimpse of the person (and the man) you are becoming and will be. You are shy, reserved, and hesitant in unfamiliar or new situations. You are persistent, strong-willed, and you never forget a thing. You are smart and so curious about the world around you. You are so active and energetic and hardly ever sit still for very long (even to eat!). You are clever and funny and friendly. You are also sweet and tender, and we’ve enjoyed some of the most special times with you in our laps reading and rocking and singing. Some days the parts of your personality that challenge us the most, are also the very things that we love about you with all of our hearts. We know that God will use the unique things about you and the exact person that He has made you to do such great things in this world.

Happy Second Birthday, James! Your life is a testimony to the greatness of our God. You are a unique and wonderful creation, and you are our good and perfect gift from above. You could not be more loved or more wanted. You are our greatest privilege and our greatest joy. We love you forever!

Love, 

Mama and Daddy

And more pictures of his birthday fun to come... :) But we have a little more celebrating to do first!

Master, Savior, Jesus!

James is 22 months old now and saying and repeating everything! I am literally laughing out loud all day long from the things he repeats or just says spontaneously! But I had to share about a sweet, sweet thing he did last night.

During James' early days and especially during his first year of life, there was a medley of songs and hymns (and even a little song that I made up with his name in it) that God placed in my heart from the beginning of his life that I would sing to him over and over again when he was crying or I was rocking him to sleep. One of those songs was There's Just Something About that Name. Every time I would sing that song to him as a baby, he would immediately calm down and stop crying.

Well, the last few nights he has been having a lot of trouble falling asleep (I think because of 2 more teeth) and we've really been struggling at nights with him (there have been lots of tears!). So for the last few nights I've been singing my Little James Medley of songs to him until he falls asleep. Last night when I was singing he sat straight up in the middle of There's Just Something About that Name and sang "Maaaaster, Saaavior, Jeeesus...."! I could have cried! It was so precious! It was just one of those moments that makes parenting so rewarding - to hear my little boy sing the name of Jesus! Praying that one day soon he will come to know and love his Master, Savior, Jesus and serve him all the days of his life!

Frustrated...

My Sweet James,

Today the frustration of your broken fire truck that was up on the counter with glue drying, and the sucker that was red instead of blue, and what Mama knew was you really just needing to get some lunch in your belly (because we got lost in playing and lost track of time) quickly turned into big, frustrated, toddler tears. And as you melted into a puddle on the floor, I sure felt so helpless and frustrated in that moment too. Maybe I should have been more firm and hard when you pushed away the plate of lunch that I made you, and maybe I should have just put you to bed knowing that the sleep would do you good. But in the midst of your frustration, I caught a little glimpse of myself and I thought about the many times that my sweet Father has dealt graciously with me in spite of my awful display. 

I got a plate and we sat on the floor together eating cheese, and crackers, and banana. You climbed up on my lap and let me stroke your blonde hair while you told me, in between bites, about "Maisy Dog" and about "Big Jet" and the "choo choo" on Little Einstein's. In no time at all you, were calm and happy with a belly full of food and acting like my sweet boy again. You told me it was time for "night night" and I held you close, so thankful that you are mine, before putting you down for your nap. 

James, these toddler days are so tough, and they are challenging me in many ways. It's hard to find the balance between the law and grace (and I know both are needed). Sometimes it's just hard to know what you need, and I just have to ask the Lord to help me and show me the way. Being a Mama makes me depend on Him so much more, because I long to do it "right." I long to please Him in my parenting, and for my parenting to make you look to Him too. 

I know there will be more frustration along the way for us both, and more days of tears and "time outs." But I am thankful today for our picnic on the floor. I want you to know that I love you, and I am so thankful that you are mine. I treasure my time with you, James. I treasure it all. I am just soaking it all in....every single picnic on the floor. And to know that you (and I) have a Father that loves you even more than that! He loves you and He is the perfect parent. Trust Him and His love. 

I love you, 

Mama

"This too shall pass..."

"This too shall pass" is a phrase that I have heard so very often since the day that I became a Mommy eighteen months ago. Sometimes hearing that phrase frustrated me, a lot of times it encouraged me, and so many time it has been so true. In time so many difficult things (for the moment) have worked themselves out, and I have been left to wonder why I spent so much of my time and energy stressing about them (and confession: googling them. I have google searched just about everything under the sun at this point...) There are a few difficult-for-the-moment things that I have weighing on my heart and mind currently (some things never change), and I know they too shall pass just like all the others. I have pondered questions the last eighteen months like: Will he ever sleep without a swaddle blanket?, Will he ever sleep without his bed for reflux babies?, Actually, will he ever just sleep?, When will he give up the pacifier?, When will he want to stay in the church nursery without crying?, Will he ever go a day without spitting up?, etc. and the list could go on and on (and that list is just of James-related things. oh my!)

This (my mysterious this of the moment) too shall pass, just like all the others. I tell myself that over and over sometimes and some days when I need more convincing. And I pray, pray, pray. And I ask the Lord if I truly was the right person for this job of raising this sweet boy, and then I thank Him that He allowed me to be his Mama despite of all the ways I surely fail and will fail in the future. In eighteen months of parenthood if I have learned anything it's that there is definitely no formula for parenting. There is no 10 step fail-proof method to follow, and sometimes that's difficult to swallow for such a by-the-book, rule follower like me. Every child is different and every mother is different. And as my mother-in-love reminded me recently, we all come into our parenting journey from different places and with different experiences which can't help but influence our choices and decisions. And the Lord knew that this journey would challenge us, change us, and refine us and require us to look to Him every step of the way. He wanted us to seek Him in how to best reach the hearts of our children. And surely He wanted us to learn about peace, patience, gentleness, self-control, etc.... all of that and so much more.

So as I ponder and pray through all of this, I know that it really is true and surely "this too shall pass." This morning I have felt God reminding me of His great love for me. I have heard Him whisper so clearly to me, "I am for you!" He knows me better than anyone and surely He understand how much I need to hear it and be reminded of it. And I know that whatever seems like an obstacle now will probably be just a distance memory in the future. So I pray that I would just embrace today and not worry so much about when or how everything will work itself out. I just want to celebrate little victories and cheer on baby steps. "This too shall pass" but until it does I just want to cherish the moment and the now. Something else will always be around the corner (a new challenge or concern), but I will never be able to do today again and so I just want to rest in this moment, this day, and this gift because I know this too shall pass.




And if this was sounding oddly familiar, I wrote something very similar about 6 months ago here. But you really can just take my word for it! And I am sure if you went digging even further you would probably find yet another very similar post. :)

Letting go...

Dear James,

Today at the playground I let you go down the big, windy slide by yourself for the very first time. I climbed up behind you to the very top, and the hardest part was just letting you go because it seemed like such a long way to go all by yourself. But once I did, you had so much fun and you were so proud of yourself! We clapped and cheered, and you climbed back up the stairs and did it over and over again. You're almost 18 months old and already there have been so many moments like that one. Moments of letting you do it on your own - letting you go, little by little. And motherhood is certainly about trying to find the balance between knowing when to let go and when to hold on. It's such a tough but wonderful, worthy calling! And even on the days that I get yet another glimpse of how quickly you are growing and I feel my heart ache, I know that I would climb mountains and swim oceans for the very privilege of being your Mama. Thank you for letting me hold you close, and thank you for being patient in the moments that it takes me a really long time to let go. But I do them both, because I love you!

Love, Mama

P.S. And if you were wondering, I was nearby the whole time. And I always will be - just incase you ever need me.

James is 12 months old!

Wow! What a year! James is now 12 months old and I understand now why it is such a milestone birthday. We have celebrated the gift of his life the last few days and how God has blessed us with such a happy, healthy little boy. I think Stephen and I also have celebrated the fact that we have "survived" (but hopefully more than just survived) our first year as parents. I know we started out this journey of parenthood facing so many unknowns and feeling uncertain about so many things. I know there will likely be more unknowns and uncertainty to come in the future, but we have learned so much in this first year with our little guy. We have made it through sleepless nights, colicky days, reflux troubles, parenting decisions with no clear-cut right or wrong answer -- I know the list could go on for days. I also know that this is just the beginning and there will be more trying times ahead (just different) for as long as we are James' parents. I have never prayed more honestly or sincerely than I have this year and I'm so thankful to have a Savior that loves our little boy and cares about every concern (big or small) I bring before Him. I'm thankful for God's guidance in parenting James and for the comfort that comes in entrusting James to Him.

This will be my last "monthly" update on James' development. I will maybe try and give some updates every 3 months or so and then just some fun pictures or funny stories about James in between. I am very excited about all the funny things he is going to be saying this next year as his vocabulary begins to take off and I definitely want to try record them all. I am also going to have to get busy the next few weeks copying all of these "monthly" updates from his first year into his baby book - I am now even more glad that I recorded them on the blog because I never would have remembered (especially when I was so incredibly sleep-deprived the first few months.) :)  For all of you (1 or 2 people) that are reading this still, thanks for reading the updates on James. And thank you for your support and encouragement for Stephen and I as parents.

Here is what our baby/toddler is doing at 12 months:

- He is 30 inches long (55%) and weighs 21 pounds 12 ounces (30%). His head circumference is in the 75th percentile which we attribute to his big brain, of course. :) Please don't accuse us of being the people that always brag on their child though...ha! :)

- He is still in 12 months clothes and probably will be for a while (especially his pants). The "pants on the ground" song could definitely have been written about him but only in the most appropriate way. :)

- He wears size 4 shoes but will quickly be moving into size 5.

- We moved him into size 4 diapers and eliminated our leaky diaper dilemma. :) (He was leaking out of every diaper for naps and nighttime sleep which was not good when we already have a baby that sleeps less than other babies his age.)

- Speaking of sleep, he continues to improve as far as nighttime sleep, but oh, how I dislike the question "does your baby sleep through the night?" We make strides in that direction every day and I'll leave it at that. :) As far as naps go, he is trying to give up his morning nap but hasn't given it up completely yet. Some days he still takes 2 (1 hour naps) but most days he takes one longer nap from about 11ish to 1ish and then goes to bed at 7 (an hour earlier). This seems to work much, much better for him (and for all of us)! He is sleeping between 13-14 hours total.

- He is so active and never stops. I know I say that every month but it's true. He is walking everywhere and now tries to run. He has become quite a climber the last few weeks and climbs (or tries to climb) on all the furniture. He tries to climb into his crib which makes me realize he may learn to climb out of his crib before too long. I'm not sure what to do about that... We got him a slide for his birthday and he climbs up with ease, sits down, and goes down the slide. He absolutely loves it! It will be many more months before I don't stand right beside him as he does it though. :) He has also figured out how to get into drawers, cabinets, etc. and take out whatever he wants and he does it so quickly and with such ease! There is also no telling what we have lost forever in the trash can, diaper champ, and toilet. He also LOVES to play outside and whines at the door to go out. As you can see, my days are full of adventure. But I absolutely love it and wouldn't have it any other way. :)

- He is eating mostly just table foods now. That has really just happened in the last few weeks. Some of his favorite foods at the moment include - cinnamon cheerios, Kix cereal, steamed carrots with cinnamon,  yogurt mixed with purred fruits and vegetables, dry waffles or pancakes, strips of toast, crackers, macaroni and cheese (boy does he ever!), shredded cheddar cheese, beans (black beans and pintos) most fruits but especially blueberries, mandarin oranges, bananas and peaches, avocado (loves it!), scrambled eggs, applesauce, and water. Meat is probably his least favorite thing but I'm hoping he will learn to like it soon. Some days/meals he eats great and some days he is not interested at all. I do not stress about it anymore though. I know he will not starve himself.

- He has four teeth on the bottom and two on top. He is in the process of getting more. In fact, the doctor looked in his mouth yesterday and said "Wow! He's teething..." He has unfortunately gotten 1 tooth at a time since he was 7 months old. It has honestly been 5 months of non-stop teething and hopefully it will let up for him soon.

- Some of his interests right now as far as toys/books include: Mickey Mouse (of course), his slide, cars, trucks, trains, balls, dinosaurs, and animals. He loves animals actually. I found a little plastic cow in his crib this morning that he must have been holding in his hand when he went to sleep last night.

- He loves to "hoard" things in his hands - especially cereal and small toys. I usually find him in his crib after a nap with cereal gripped in his hands. We also have discovered that he will hide his toys in various places but then forgets where he put them. It kind of reminds of a squirrel that buries his nuts. It is very cute. :) I don't know why he does this though because we let him have all the cereal that he wants. :)

- He has really been doing more "talking" the last few weeks. We understand very little of it but I think that very soon he will be saying a whole bunch. I know for sure that he says "mama" and "uh-oh." I think he tries very hard to say "ball" and I think he says "go-go" instead of "bye-bye." And he has a lot to say when I say "Mickey Mouse." It is so cute because I know that he knows exactly what he's saying even if we don't. He will often "talk" as he looks at books and "sing" with us. It's hard to describe what his singing is like -- maybe a low hum. It is so cute! You have to hear it!

- Unfortunately his separation anxiety has returned with a vengeance, especially when it comes to the church nursery. I know though that "this too shall pass" just like everything else I have unnecessarily stressed about and know that it is just part of normal development for a little one.

- I love when he is amused and laughs so hard - at Daddy being silly, or when we fall down on the bed with him yelling "timber", or when we pretend like we are asleep on the floor and are "snoring" and then we he touches our face we open our eyes and say "boo," or when we stomp during "If you're happy and you know it." I love to watch him laugh and will do just about anything to make it happen. :)


Well, I know that was a bunch and there's probably still a million more things that I could say. Stephen and I have loved being James' Mama and Daddy for 365+ days now and look forward to all the days that we have with him in the years ahead.

James, 
The second you entered this world, God gave me a love for you that is hard to comprehend. You have filled our lives with even more joy and inspired us to be better in ways that you'll probably never fully understand. We love you so much and pray that you will always know that you are loved and that your life is so valuable! We pray also that you'll understand how much God loves you and that you were created by Him to be exactly who you are. You matter, sweet boy. You matter to us and you matter to God. We will always value what you have to say and will never be too busy when it comes to spending time with you. As you grow you may find that the world can be cruel at times, but I pray that our home can be your soft, safe place to fall. Please forgive us in advance for the ways that we may fail you in the future. We will never be the perfect parents but we have trusted our lives to the only One that is. May you come to know Jesus and loves Jesus all of your days, may you be content in whatever circumstances in which you find yourself in this life. and in whatever you do may your life bring glory to Jesus Christ. We love you, James - to the moon and back. 
Love, Mama and Daddy

And...very soon I will post about his Birthday Weekend. I promise. :) But I think I have broken a cardinal rule of blogging with a post thing long, so I'm signing off for today. :)

I didn't listen...

I didn't listen...

... and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. It's not that I didn't remember the pediatrician's advice, or didn't browse the books and articles about infant sleep, or read the weekly babycenter updates that came to my inbox. I heard and read and remembered them all. I did. I really did. It's just that this afternoon somewhere between rocking and singing and reading books together about dinosaurs and freight trains, you fell asleep. And just as I was about to go lay you down in your crib so that I could take care of the long list of things that I needed to do, I looked down at you sleeping so peacefully in my arms and decided that I was going to hold you close for a little while longer. And for a few seconds the advice of the sleep experts flooded my thoughts - about how I might mess up your sleep cycles, or delay your ability to self-soothe, or make you depend on me too much - and who I am to question them because I'm far from an expert on sleep. Actually, I'm far from an expert on anything really. But then I pushed all that aside because while I may not be an expert on many things or anything - I am the closest thing that there is to an expert on you, sweet boy. 

That doesn't mean that I have it all figured out because I certainly don't. And I've doubted myself many times about the decisions that I've made. But I am the one and only Mama that you'll ever have. And I have fed you, and held you, and dressed you, and bathed you, and read to you, and sang to you, and comforted you every single day for almost 365 days now. I know when your cry is urgent and when it's more of a whine. I know the sound of your giggle and your belly laugh. I know your favorite foods, and toys, and books. I recognize when you' re in pain, or you're scared, or the days that you just need a little extra attention. I know what you want many times before you even try to communicate it. I'm your Mama and I know you better than anyone.

So this afternoon as I let you sleep in my arms, I just got lost in reflection of all the memories of this first year with you. And as I looked down at your face, I saw the same little face of the miracle that was laid upon my chest when you were born almost a year ago - just looking a little older now. And as I breathed in your sweet baby smell, I breathed in the same familiar smell I've always known - just smelling a little more like cheerios these days and a little less like spit-up. 

I didn't listen...and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. But let's be honest, sweet boy. It wasn't the first time (not even close) and it may not be the last. But the last will come - just like the last time you play in the tub until your toes are wrinkly, or the last time you fall asleep to songs and bedtime stories with Mama and Daddy, or the last night of wearing footed pajamas to bed that I'll surely try and squeeze you into until your toes are peeping out of the fabric, or the last day of never having had your first haircut, or the last time you hold my hand as we cross the street. You will eventually outgrow rocking and sleeping in my arms and sitting on my lap. You will grow up - exactly like you're supposed to. And as is the great paradox of motherhood, that while my heart breaks I will be so proud and will cheer you on every step of the way. The same way I cheered on your very first steps. 

I didn't listen.. and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. And although the sleep experts might have frowned upon it, it seemed right. No, it was right. It was right to hold you close for a little longer...while I still can. It was right to hold you close...you, my sweet boy, the exact baby that I always wanted. And I wouldn't change a single thing about you or a single thing about this year (except maybe to worry less and trust my Mama heart more). 

I didn't listen...and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. And I don't regret it. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

Letter to James at One Month

Letter From Mommy:

Dear James,

I cannot believe that one month has already passed since the day that you arrived. The second that I laid eyes on you and I held you for the first time, I experienced a love that I have never known before. My heart just overflowed with love for you. Our life is so different now and so perfect at the same time. You have filled our life with so much joy. You are so sweet, patient, and wonderful in every way. Every second with you is precious to me. I love to watch your big eyes as you look at the world with a curious expression. I love when you grip my hand or shirt or you touch my face safe in your Mommy's arms. I even love to watch you sleep and listen to all the sweet sounds that you make as you dream.

I am far from perfect and I know that at times I'll make mistakes along the way, but I want you to know that you can count on me. I will be here for you always - when you are happy, when you are sad, when you skin your knee and need someone to dry your tears. If you are ever scared or feel alone, know that I am here. Know that I am your biggest fan and am cheering you on every step of the way.

I know you are going to grow up way too fast but no matter how old or how big you get, I will always love you and love you more every single day. I will always love your Daddy and will be devoted to him too. He is a wonderful man and I hope that you will grow up to be just like him. I commit to pray every day for you and pray that I can be the kind of mother that you need.

Never forget that you are so loved and so wanted and there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. And never forget that Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you, and God loves you. Sweet James, you are a precious gift and we praise God for your life!

I love you forever,

Mommy

Letter From Daddy:

James,

You have taught me so much in this first month of your life. I cannot imagine life without you now. I am so happy and blessed that your have joined your mom and I as a part of our family and the years that we will share together will be wonderful, exciting and full of love. The main thing that you have taught me in this past month, you taught me the very first day, hour, minute and second of your life, and for this I am eternally grateful to you. You taught me how our Heavenly Father loves us. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I loved you, and that is a love that will never stop or that you could ever change. That love is unconditional and I am so glad that you showed me that because in your very first moments of life your strengthened my relationship with God.

I will not be able to promise you much in this life, but there are three things that I can promise you. First, I will always love Jesus. Not only will I always love Him, but I promise to model a good relationship with Him so that you can follow that model and grow to follow our Savior. I promise to always lead our home in a Christlike manner and as the Spiritual Leader of our household, you can always count on me to look to Jesus for guidance on the way our family should go.

Second, I will always love your mother. We spent three years together before you arrived into our lives and in that time we had highs and lows. We used all of those experiences to grow closer together as a couple and I can assure you, that will never change. We will be together for our whole lives and you can always count on the fact that we love each other and will be husband and wife for as long as we are your Dad and Mom,

Third, I will always love YOU! Nothing will ever change this fact. Nothing you do, nothing you say, or nothing that happens will ever make me love you less. I will always be there for you. If you need help with homework, I will be there. If you need to know how to throw a baseball, I will be there. If you want to talk, I will be there. If you want to laugh, I will be there. If you need to pray, I will be there. You can always count on me because I love you!

I am your Dad, you are my son and I pray we have a relationship that Glorifies our Heavenly Father and His Son! I love you, James!

Daddy

James' Nursery and My Growing Belly

We had a wonderful time last weekend when James' Nana and Grandpa came for a visit and helped Stephen get his nursery (pretty much) ready. We might not have a single diaper or bottle yet, but we made certain that he will have a cute nursery whenever he makes his debut! I am so thankful for all the hard work that they put into making his room so special and just for them coming to spend time with us. We always love when they visit! I thought I would post a picture of his room.

Also, week 21 and 22 have brought quite the belly. People at school have actually started to notice that I'm pregnant and I'm getting lots of interesting questions and belly touches all the time. It's amazing what people share with you when you are pregnant and the number of awkward conversations but I guess its all part of the adventure... :) Well, here is a picture of my 22 week belly. Hope you enjoy!

P.S. As I am writing this, I am watching my stomach move from the little kicks and punches that are going on inside my belly from our little night owl. It is strange and amazing...and feels in some ways like an alien is inside of my body. How can people not know they are pregnant? That show on TLC is baffling to me especially right now when my body in no way looks or feels like my own...

Baby Kicks

I realize that all my posts are suddenly about our baby boy and so I want to apologize (well, maybe just a little) if we have been talking about nothing else. Stephen and I love this little guy so much already and he already feels so much apart of our life and our family that I am just bursting to talk about him every chance I get.

I am 20 weeks and 2 days pregnant and feeling (for the most part) very good and healthy. I have really enjoyed being pregnant and even though I have already experienced many changes, I often ask Stephen if he is sad that he can't be the one to get to carry our son for these 40 weeks. Stephen assures me he is just fine with his role and I, of course, love mine and that's usually the end of that conversation -- I guess it's just the way God designed it all to be. :) But, really I do love my role as his mother. I feel like it's my greatest life privilege to be a mama to James Blake Johnson and a wife to Stephen Blake Johnson. Yes, that is our official blog announcement of his name. I'm not sure if I had done that yet...

James is growing quickly. We got to see him again on Monday and he is definitely filling up his space. We told him Sunday night that he had a big test the next day - his anatomy scan - and after our talk he cooperated with only mild stubbornness in letting us see his heart, spine, kidneys, face, etc. The doctor said everything looked "perfect" which is always what you want to hear. He is about 3/4 of a pound and as active as can be. I had felt little baby flutters for several weeks that were very inconsistent but starting Tuesday night I have felt baby kicks every day - in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night. :) Stephen got to feel him kicking for the first time on Thursday night. We were laying in bed and Stephen had his hand on my belly and I would say "that's another one" every time I felt a kick and but Stephen could not feel them. We would push on him and shake him until he would do it again. Finally, about 1 AM and almost asleep, James gave us one huge kick as if to say "let me go to sleep already" and Stephen said - "that was a big one" and it was. Stephen had felt his son kick for the first time and it was just a really special moment - one that you just want to freeze in time forever. Of course, Stephen decided to update twitter immediately probably waking up his mother and sister but we were on cloud 9. I wouldn't care if he kicked 100 times an hour... :)

I was getting ready early on Friday morning watching Stephen still sleeping and hogging his side and my side of the bed and feeling this little baby move around inside of my belly and just thinking about these two men who have invaded my life, so to speak, and changed it in so many ways. I just had to stop in that early morning moment and praise my Father for invading my heart and changing my life so many years ago when I accepted Jesus and for continuing to change me hopefully on a daily basis to make me more like his Son. I also thanked God for the gift of Stephen and James - gifts that I never want to take for granted. I feel like an amazingly blessed girl.

I am continuing to press on this school year - continuing to learn a lot about myself and God's leading in my life. I'm taking it one day at a time and praying God be glorified in what I offer each day to my students and to Him. It's not an easy job....but that's all I'll say about that. I am just praying for enough grace, strength, and patience for the day and letting the future worry about itself.

I am looking forward to James' Nana and Grandpa coming for a visit this weekend. They will be bringing the furniture for James' room that we ordered on our visit to AL and helping Stephen paint his room. I know we will have a fun time! :)

Thanks for all your prayers and love for us!

Kassi and Stephen

We're having a baby!

I know it seems we have had so much good news to share lately and we feel beyond blessed but we finally get to share what we've been waiting to share for a little while now - we're expecting our first child on February 11, 2010!! I will be 12 weeks tomorrow and am feeling great besides just being a lot more tired than usual and enjoying lots of cheese and crackers and sour patch kids. I will definitely share more details throughout the pregnancy and maybe even a few belly pictures along the way. But first, I want to share a sweet ultrasound picture of our little one. Please keep us in your prayers during this special time! We are ecstatic and in love with this little baby already.