I am way too hard on myself. Always have been. Enter James 14 weeks ago and I realize even more just how ridiculously high my expectations are of myself. I know some of you out there can relate. I'm learning this perfectionism is actually an insecurity (I'm reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore right now and learning how I need to surrender this to God...but I digress.) I'm hard on myself partly because of my personality (typical first child syndrome) and partly because of the roads I've traveled but either way God is showing me that I need to lay it all at His feet. I told Stephen last night that I so badly want to be such a good Mom that I'm struggling with false guilt. Again, I know some of you can relate...
For example, I practically eat my meals now in two bites because I don't want James to have to play alone for too long. I worry when I think he doesn't get enough sleep and then worry when I'm afraid he's slept too much. I wrestle one day with thinking he's eating too often and the next day I'm afraid that he hasn't eaten as much as he should have that day. I struggle with should I be more scheduled with him or am I too scheduled....the list goes on an on. But at the end of the day, he's happy, he's growing and developing, and he certainly is far from undernourished. I need to look at all that IS going right thanks to God's grace and focus less on what could possibly go wrong. Oh, it's hard being a Mom.... oh, I have never understood more how much I just need Jesus daily.
Please pray for me about this - that I will just trust God with every detail of James' life and not worry. God has entrusted me to be his mother and He will equip me to care for him in a way that glorifies Him. I need to stop trying to be "perfect" and just enjoy each day and whatever it brings.
On a much happier note: James is 14 weeks old! 3 1/2 months he has blessed our lives. And he is doing so much:
- From a rough estimation at home, I believe he weighs a little over 14 pounds and is at least 25 inches long. He is in size 3 to 6 months clothes and we just moved him up to Size 2 diapers.
- He occasionally sleeps from about 8:30 until 6:30 AM (what we call sleeping through the night) but he usually wakes up once in the early AM to eat and will then go back to sleep until 7 or 8.
- He still sleeps in our room in the pack-n-play. I have said we'll move him to his crib when he is consistently sleeping through the night but I just honestly love having him close.
- He is "talking" all the time and has learned he can scream now. He loves hearing his voice and tries to take part in conversations. He also sings with us too and right now his singing voice is sort of a scream but it is the most beautiful song to me. :)
- He has definitely found his hands. He is bringing toys up to his mouth and putting them in his mouth. He also loves putting his whole fist in his mouth.
- He loves batting toys, reaching for toys, and pressing buttons on toys that make noise. I think he is starting to realize that his pressing the button makes the noise and it is like an instant reward for him.
- He is stretching his meals out a little more now, probably close to 3 hours apart. He also naps often throughout the day, but never for a really long stretch. I have tried different ways to try and get him to sleep longer, but I have come to the conclusion that this just may be what he prefers. This is an area that I just need to let go of and not stress over. It will all work itself out.
- He is really able to hold his head up for longer periods of time now. He sits in the Bumbo and even tries to sit up when he is reclined. He has just started using the exersaucer and loves it because he has very strong legs and loves to jump.
- He smiles and laughs all the time. He loves smiling at himself in the mirror.
- He is splashing a lot in the bath tub. Stephen has to add water in the middle of the bath sometimes because James has splashed it all out.
- His favorite songs are hymns. We sing these with him every night before he goes to bed after reading "Just In Case You Ever Wonder" by Max Lucado. I have noticed that he has really started to pay attention to books now while we read.
- He is enjoying tummy time more now. He is able to raise his lower half and upper half simultaneously and looks like a little super hero.
Thanks for your continued prayers for us. Thanks also for your love and care for our little man!
