Lost and Found

Have you ever lost something that was valuable? Before I go any further, No, I did not lose James. I just felt like I should get that out there right away... :)

This week I lost something. Something of value. Something that I actually did not even know was lost until it was found.

Stephen came home Thursday afternoon and said quite nonchalantly "we need to go by the church..." He said it with almost a silly expression on his face that I understand now was his attempt at trying to keep me from getting upset or worried as he told me the rest of the story (he knows me so well!).

"What? Why? What's going on? What church?" (Stephen has been sending his resume to churches in the area so we had talked about quite a few churches the last few weeks.)

"We need to go by Faith (the church we're attending). They called me and said that they found your wallet."

"What? My wallet...?" And then I began to remember a sweet, toddlerish boy that I love so very much (who shall remain nameless - ha!) who happened to be sitting with us in church (instead of in the nursery) this past Sunday and who had played with ALL of the contents of his diaper bag including my wallet. It made perfect sense now. We had forgotten it on our way out of the sanctuary. Except then I remembered it was Thursday. Thursday!!! And I hadn't had the wallet in my possession since Sunday!!! And then I started to ask questions like, "Who had it all that time? Was it turned in on Sunday? Or Wednesday? Have you checked our bank account? Is all our money gone?" And say things like, "It has my driver's license, and debit card, and, oh, remember I have a credit card now...! And my library card!!" (wow! I am so sad.)

And then to add insult to injury, I asked Stephen questions like "what kind of person does not even know their wallet has been gone for four days? Am I that much of a homebody? Do I not do anything?" (I hadn't gone anywhere this week because I was trying to catch up on all the household things that needed to be done since James had been sick for two weeks.) The church had actually said in the message that we "should come pick it up" - maybe they also thought it was strange we hadn't called in almost a week to see if it was there. Very quickly I went from worried it was gone to embarrassed that I didn't even realize it was lost.

This week my wallet was lost. And then found. But, it all worked out in the end and everything was there...all 33$ to my name (ok....slight exaggeration!). :)

I continued to think about this idea of "lost and found" over the last few days. I thought back to all the "lost and found" collections that I've ever seen and I've seen quite a few in my teaching days. I thought about those collections of lost and forgotten things that just sat in boxes unclaimed. Maybe their owners didn't know they were lost or maybe they just didn't know where to find them. Either way, the items were not valued highly and, in a sense, discarded.

As I reflected more, I was reminded of the three "lost parables" found in Luke 15. I decided to spend some time rereading them. I love them all, but I particularly love the Parable of the Lost Sheep:

"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts in on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." (Luke 15:4-7)

I don't remember much about the years that I was truly "lost" spiritually. I am so thankful that I came to know Jesus at an early age and accepted him as my Savior. However, I remember a period of time in my early teen years that I was living only for myself and was blinded by and entrenched in sin. I didn't realize how lost I was and how far I had strayed, until I was "found." And I remember when I repented of that sin and truly turned my life over to God, that I rejoiced! I rejoiced in knowing that I had a Heavenly Father that had loved me through it all and accepted me with open arms. I rejoiced that God valued me, loved me, and deeply desired a relationship with me.

How many people in this world that we encounter all the time (in our families, at our jobs, or at the places that we frequent) are walking around lost and spiritually dead? So many of them don't even know they are lost. Or maybe they sense that lostness but just don't where to look or Who to turn to. They don't know that Jesus is the answer for the emptiness that they feel. I spend way more time worrying about me than I should and far less time worrying about those that desperately need to hear of Jesus love for them. They may be lost but they are not unvalued, discarded, unclaimed...not to Jesus. Have we been guilty of devaluing unbelievers by remaining silent? I know I have.

I pray that I would have the same attitude of the father in the parable of the lost son, "...celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." (Luke 15:32)

I'm thankful that God reminds me of His truth through everyday events like a lost wallet. :)

And I was reminded of this song by Chris Tomlin:

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

It's almost impossible for me to be completely wordless. Take a look at our little man's first adventures with coloring. :)

And just a few lessons learned:

1. Letting James sit on my lap on the floor (thinking I am supervising) to color with a marker (non-toxic, of course :) ), will result in him running away with the marker as fast as he can. After running away from me, he will put the marker in his mouth. His mouth will be blue for several hours afterwards. :)

2. Taking this same blue marker away from him will unfortunately result in his biggest tantrum to date. 

3. After round/disaster #1 of adventures in coloring, I did some rethinking and taped some paper to the table, strapped him into a booster seat, and gave him (dulled) colored pencils to color with instead.

4. Offering James new colors to try does not mean he will put the color he is currently working with down. He will just see how many pencils he can color with at one time. :) I think he worked up to about 5 in each hand. :)

5. Adventures in Coloring with James was a lot of fun - blue marker and all! His little masterpiece will be going up on the fridge soon, and I'm looking forward to more art projects with my little Picasso very soon. :)

We Stand Corrected

We Stand Corrected...

in telling you of James' love and adoration for Mickey Mouse all these months.

Don't get me wrong. He still likes Mickey Mouse a whole lot. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse can cheer him up when he is at his grumpiest (even just hearing the theme song on a CD in the car can make him stop crying for a few more miles). It's just that all these months we never knew that Mickey Mouse was not the star of the show...at least not for James anyway. :)

The last week or so, James made the same little sound every time we asked him if he wanted to watch Mickey. It didn't sound like "Mickey" but we thought he was just trying his best to say it all the same. Well, Stephen's parents were visiting this weekend and when we turned on an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for him to watch, James ran to the TV saying "goo goo." His Nana thought that maybe he was trying to say "Goofy." I don't know why we had never thought of that, but now we think that all those weeks of him saying "goo goo" when we turn on Mickey Mouse have been him trying to say "Goofy".

When we ask him, "James do you want to watch Goofy? James, goo-goo, Goofy?" he begins to laugh and looks so relieved that we have finally figured it out and are finally understanding what he has been trying to tell us! We know that him laughing when we say "Goofy" isn't exactly concrete, scientific evidence, but we are almost convinced that "goo goo" is most definitely James' favorite!

And here are a few other things he is saying these days: Mama, uh oh, go-go (when he wants to go somewhere or go outside), goo-goo (for goofy?), ba or ba-ba (ball), ca (car), making a "ck" sound and is either trying to say "duck" or "quack". I think that's all, but I can't wait to watch how his vocabulary continues to take off. He is making a lot of other noises and just generally "talking" all the time now - a lot of those sounds are just unrecognizable to us right now although he knows exactly what he is saying! He definitely understands way more than he says right now also.

And just a few cute things that he's done recently: (at least very cute to us!)
- While reading a book that had a baby playing a drum in it, James begin to tap on the picture of the drum as if he was playing it. (2/15)
- He is initiating sharing his snacks and wants to feed Mama his goldfish. (2/15)
- He saw us drinking a drink and did the most clear sign for "eat" he has ever done. He was telling us he wanted his cup too! I know there is a sign for "drink" too but he only knows the sign for "eat" so we were thrilled that he had communicated to us so clearly! (2/21)

I think there is more but I can't find all the post-it notes of things I've jotted down! We are still amazed at this little person that's in our care! God has blessed us so much! :)

People Pleaser...

I have definitely wrestled with being a "people pleaser" all my life. I've spent way more time and energy than I'd ever care to admit trying to please others, and unfortunately I've worried much more about letting down people than I have about pleasing God with my life. If you have also wrestled with this, you can relate to how convicting and yet freeing this verse is for people-pleasers. Praying that God will continue to help me in this (this is the verse I am planning to memorize for the second half of February):
  
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

The Scoop on James' Special Day

I have promised to write about James' party so many times now that I may have set myself up for all of you (few) readers of this blog to be very underwhelmed in my retelling of his special day. But even if it's for none other than myself, I wanted to go ahead and record the details of his 1st Birthday before any more time passes.

I started thinking about James' party a few months out. As much at it was sad to think about him not being a baby anymore with that milestone quickly approaching, I also knew that I wanted the day to be very special and for every detail to just reflect how much we love and thank God for our boy! We almost had a party that was Mickey Mouse themed because of James' amazing love for Mickey (had bought the plates and everything) but the deeper I got into the planning it started to be more about Mickey Mouse and less about James and I did not like that at all. So, as my wonderful husband was already in the process of making the invitation and had designed the Mickey Mouse ears and all, I decided to scrap the whole idea and started looking for other ideas. (Thankfully, he is very patient with me!) I ended up finding an adorable plate with an elephant holding a balloon in his trunk with a "1" on it and since James also LOVES animals we decided to go with an "elephant" birthday party instead. We were so happy with how it all came together and were very happy that we made the switch. Plus, we just happened to have a ton of elephants already laying around the house...but I'm sure no one could have guessed why that might be the case in this Alabama-loving home. :)

On Friday afternoon, the day before his birthday and his party, we spent the afternoon doing things with just the 3 of us to celebrate James. We ate a lunch/dinner at Red Robin after he woke up from his nap. We let him order off the kid's menu for the first time (or we chose for him) and he enjoyed a grilled cheese plus some other foods that we brought from home that we knew he would for sure eat (he's a "particular" eater.) After his birthday meal, we went to the Marbles Kids Museum in downtown Raleigh. Kids under 1 are free and he technically was under one for one more day! We had never been before but James had such a great time, and I hope to take him back there in the future. The whole downstairs was perfect for preschoolers and he played with trains, dinosaurs, balls, musical instruments, and giant life-size game boards. He explored a water table, pirate ship, and enjoyed going down a big slide. 

Friday night Stephen and I stayed up late doing finishing touches for his party the next day. And on Saturday morning we all jumped on the bed together chanting "It's your birthday!" and enjoyed Birthday Blueberry Muffins. We also watched the finished product of the slideshow that Stephen put together for James' birthday - whew, I was very emotional watching some of the video footage that I had never seen before that was recorded just a few minutes after he was born.  James took an unusually, wonderful nap before his party (giving us time to get everything done) - I was so thankful! And he woke up happy and refreshed to greet our family and friends. We ate, opened presents, and sang "Happy Birthday" and James did great the whole time. Actually, his least favorite moment of the whole party was probably his birthday cake. He was NOT into having the messy icing all over his hands although many days we couldn't keep him from being messy at meals if we tried. He was so cute though and had green icing on him (somehow) from head to toe by the time it was all done. Probably one of my favorite parts of his party was sharing with everyone before we sang "Happy Birthday" to James about what a blessing James has been in our lives and how grateful we are that God has blessed us with him and then praying for him. We were so grateful for everyone that was able to be with us for his special day and really felt very loved. We were also blessed to have my sweet friend, Libby, take pictures of the day for us so that we could just enjoy the party and focus on spending time with James. What a wonderful, thoughtful gift to us as parents!

After the party and everyone had gone home, as we were cleaning everything up I was also watching the clock closely anticipating 4:27 (the time that James was born one year ago). Stephen, James, and I and my Dad and Step-Mom (who were staying in town for the night) all gathered around a few minutes before 4:27 and kind of giggled as we asked "well...what should we do at 4:27?" My Dad suggested that we pray again and Stephen asked my Dad to pray this time. So, at 4:27 we squeezed our boy tight and my Dad prayed for him again. It was a special time and made me so thankful for all the believers in our families that cover James in prayer and us as his parents on a regular basis. And although 4:27 was very different this year than last year, it was a moment just as joyful and wonderful. That night we also went out to eat with my Dad and Step-Mom to Texas Steakhouse and learned that James' new favorite food may be good ol' kraft macaroni and cheese. I was amazed at the amount that he ate (our particular little eater)!

I tried to include lots of details about his first birthday! I know there was nothing extraordinary about the day and it probably looked very similar to most first birthday parties (no fireworks or live animals or anything like that - ha!), but it was special to us (every little detail) because it was about celebrating our little boy. :) God has been reminding me through so many things lately what a gift and a miracle every life is and helping me not to take the moments for granted. 

February 5, 2010:

February 5, 2011:

For my Love

There is a very special someone in my life that has not been getting nearly the blog time that he used to since our adorable little man entered the scene a little over a year ago now. So, since it's Valentine's Day it only seemed natural to devote a little time on the blog to my love and my best friend. :) Hope you enjoy. :)




I have always been a hopeless romantic. I'm not sure when exactly it began or if it's just the way I've always been. I just remember from an early age reading books and watching movies about fairytales with princesses that always ended in "happily ever after." I loved to watch the prince and princess end up together and just knew that I was going to have that...one day. I couldn't wait to find my prince for my prince to find me so that we could "live happily ever after" like I always dreamed. :)


My prince did find me. In the Spring of 2006 while I was a senior in college. (He was one of few very serious boyfriends that I had, but unfortunately I did date some "frogs" before our story began .) Our first correspondence wasn't a love letter but a facebook message (oh, the joys of modern technology!). I don't remember what it said exactly but it was mostly small talk about how we would be working together that upcoming summer at M-Fuge Philadelphia. I was actually supposed to be on staff at a different camp that summer, but I was moved to the Philadelphia camp which started later so that I would still be able to be a bridesmaid in my friends', Brad and Libby's, May wedding (Thank you precious Brock's for letting me be a part of your special day for multiple reasons!).


Our first meeting was actually a few months before camp. My friend, Jamie Lee, and I were interviewing for teaching positions in Alabama (very close to where Stephen happened to live) and I agreed to meet Stephen for lunch at Zaxby's to get to know each other better. My prince drove up in a white honda (not exactly the white horse I had envisioned but, hey, close enough) and I guess as the saying goes "the rest is history." We didn't hit it off right away. Not even close. I was so oblivious and missed basically every, single signal that Stephen tried to give me to show that he was interested. But I am actually thankful for the way it all happened - thankful for the solid friendship that we were able to build over the next few months and in just the right time I found myself head-over-heels, crazy about Stephen and didn't even know how or when it had happened. We began "officially" dating in August of 2006 and were engaged on December 8, 2006. We were married on March 24, 2007. I think that classifies as a "whirlwind romance!" I know some people probably shook their heads and said that we didn't even know each other (and maybe that's true), but we made a choice on March 24, 2007 and a commitment to God to love each other through it all and to fight for our marriage. And to never give up.


One day during our engagement while browsing a Christian bookstore, we came across a stone plaque in the shape of a shield. It had a cross in the center with the words "Be Strong in the Lord" etched on it and the words of Ephesians 6:10-18 etched around the cross:¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
 ¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.


Stephen made a comment about how much he liked the plaque, and I made a mental note of it. (I have learned over the last 4 years of marriage that if he tells me he likes something to be sure and remember it, because he doesn't ask/hint for things very often.) As our wedding day approached and I was thinking about what I should give him for a wedding gift, I knew that I wanted the gift to be meaningful and something that he would treasure for years to come. I remembered the stone shield that he had shown such an interest in that day in the Christian bookstore. I went back and bought it and wrote this poem to go along with it:


Be strong in the Lord
As you take my hand and my heart
And we start a marriage 
In which we never will part


Be strong in the Lord
As we begin each new day
And seek first our God
So that we won't go astray


Be strong in the Lord
As we grow in His love
And remember our marriage 
Is a gift from above


Be strong in the Lord
When we have our first fight
With patience and love
Any wrong we'll make right


Be strong in the Lord
When we're struggling and poor
If we have each other
We need nothing more


Be strong in the Lord
As our first baby we hold
God's gracious loan of sweet life
To shape and to mold


Be strong in the Lord
On days that we dance with delight
A life spent together
So incredibly right


Be strong in the Lord 
As time passes us by
No matter the season
I'll stay by your side


Be strong in the Lord
For all of our days
At the end of our journey
Still we'll give Him our praise


That poem is framed and hangs on a wall in our bedroom beside the stone shield. There have been many days that I've glanced at the poem and have recognized how a stanza speaks to exactly where we are at the moment and I smile to myself as I walk by it remembering the commitment that we made. And if I'm just being honest, there are also days that I've wanted to throw that poem across the room I've been so mad. Because what no one ever told us hopeless romantics all the days we got lost in dreaming about our prince charming when we were little girls, is that marriage isn't easy. It's difficult - very difficult sometimes. It's about making a choice to love through it all. It's about fighting for our marriage. It's about never giving up.


It always bothered me that all those romantic movies that I loved growing up never showed the rest of the story and the events that happened after the couple fell in love. But I guess even the most romantic of us all eventually come to find out that what happens after a couple falls in love is not always the kind of story that people would want to watch. No one wants to document that their prince or princess snores, or has morning breath, or looks different without their makeup on. No one takes pictures of the days in sweatpants and t-shirts with their hair beyond untamable. And we never invite our friends over when our house is adorned with stacks of unwashed dishes in the sink and unfolded clothes on the floor. We rarely talk about our disagreements and the moments that we were clearly at our very worst, but share about the happy, joyous times. And I think that's normal. But I have come to know also that it's the tough moments, the trying times, the untold and unseen events in a marriage that make the sweet moments even sweeter. It's been those moments that have made our love grow stronger and deeper. It's those moments that have made me bear down, grit my teeth, and stand firm in the commitment that we made to each other and to God that have made me love and appreciate Stephen more today than I did four years ago when our marriage had just begun.


My friend, Libby Brock, (the same friend that in a way had a hand in Stephen and I even knowing each other today) took these pictures yesterday. I love these pictures of our family and what we have become four years later. I love that we documented in photographs a joyful time outdoors with our son that is growing so quickly. And even though most days we don't look like this or dress like this and many days we don't act like this - it's still us and it's still who we are just at our best...or at least our better. And it's a sweet day captured in photographs that is even sweeter because of all the tough days that were and will be scattered along the journey - the days of tears, trials, fears, disappointments, loss, and uncertainty.

Stephen, 

I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be your wife. I am thankful for the selfless way that you strive to love me and I pray that God would continue to teach me how to love you selflessly and unconditionally. I am thankful for the gift of marriage and that on the hard days and happy days (and every day in between) you are by my side. You are a good husband, a loving husband, a faithful husband. You are a wonderful friend and father. You have the heart of a servant. When I think about this verse, I think about you:  "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." (Ephesians 5:25) I pray that we will continue to "be strong in the Lord" on this journey together, and I pray that our love with continue to grow throughout all the years that God grants us together on this earth. I love you! 

F.M.W.L.

Love, Your Kassi Bee

James is 12 months old!

Wow! What a year! James is now 12 months old and I understand now why it is such a milestone birthday. We have celebrated the gift of his life the last few days and how God has blessed us with such a happy, healthy little boy. I think Stephen and I also have celebrated the fact that we have "survived" (but hopefully more than just survived) our first year as parents. I know we started out this journey of parenthood facing so many unknowns and feeling uncertain about so many things. I know there will likely be more unknowns and uncertainty to come in the future, but we have learned so much in this first year with our little guy. We have made it through sleepless nights, colicky days, reflux troubles, parenting decisions with no clear-cut right or wrong answer -- I know the list could go on for days. I also know that this is just the beginning and there will be more trying times ahead (just different) for as long as we are James' parents. I have never prayed more honestly or sincerely than I have this year and I'm so thankful to have a Savior that loves our little boy and cares about every concern (big or small) I bring before Him. I'm thankful for God's guidance in parenting James and for the comfort that comes in entrusting James to Him.

This will be my last "monthly" update on James' development. I will maybe try and give some updates every 3 months or so and then just some fun pictures or funny stories about James in between. I am very excited about all the funny things he is going to be saying this next year as his vocabulary begins to take off and I definitely want to try record them all. I am also going to have to get busy the next few weeks copying all of these "monthly" updates from his first year into his baby book - I am now even more glad that I recorded them on the blog because I never would have remembered (especially when I was so incredibly sleep-deprived the first few months.) :)  For all of you (1 or 2 people) that are reading this still, thanks for reading the updates on James. And thank you for your support and encouragement for Stephen and I as parents.

Here is what our baby/toddler is doing at 12 months:

- He is 30 inches long (55%) and weighs 21 pounds 12 ounces (30%). His head circumference is in the 75th percentile which we attribute to his big brain, of course. :) Please don't accuse us of being the people that always brag on their child though...ha! :)

- He is still in 12 months clothes and probably will be for a while (especially his pants). The "pants on the ground" song could definitely have been written about him but only in the most appropriate way. :)

- He wears size 4 shoes but will quickly be moving into size 5.

- We moved him into size 4 diapers and eliminated our leaky diaper dilemma. :) (He was leaking out of every diaper for naps and nighttime sleep which was not good when we already have a baby that sleeps less than other babies his age.)

- Speaking of sleep, he continues to improve as far as nighttime sleep, but oh, how I dislike the question "does your baby sleep through the night?" We make strides in that direction every day and I'll leave it at that. :) As far as naps go, he is trying to give up his morning nap but hasn't given it up completely yet. Some days he still takes 2 (1 hour naps) but most days he takes one longer nap from about 11ish to 1ish and then goes to bed at 7 (an hour earlier). This seems to work much, much better for him (and for all of us)! He is sleeping between 13-14 hours total.

- He is so active and never stops. I know I say that every month but it's true. He is walking everywhere and now tries to run. He has become quite a climber the last few weeks and climbs (or tries to climb) on all the furniture. He tries to climb into his crib which makes me realize he may learn to climb out of his crib before too long. I'm not sure what to do about that... We got him a slide for his birthday and he climbs up with ease, sits down, and goes down the slide. He absolutely loves it! It will be many more months before I don't stand right beside him as he does it though. :) He has also figured out how to get into drawers, cabinets, etc. and take out whatever he wants and he does it so quickly and with such ease! There is also no telling what we have lost forever in the trash can, diaper champ, and toilet. He also LOVES to play outside and whines at the door to go out. As you can see, my days are full of adventure. But I absolutely love it and wouldn't have it any other way. :)

- He is eating mostly just table foods now. That has really just happened in the last few weeks. Some of his favorite foods at the moment include - cinnamon cheerios, Kix cereal, steamed carrots with cinnamon,  yogurt mixed with purred fruits and vegetables, dry waffles or pancakes, strips of toast, crackers, macaroni and cheese (boy does he ever!), shredded cheddar cheese, beans (black beans and pintos) most fruits but especially blueberries, mandarin oranges, bananas and peaches, avocado (loves it!), scrambled eggs, applesauce, and water. Meat is probably his least favorite thing but I'm hoping he will learn to like it soon. Some days/meals he eats great and some days he is not interested at all. I do not stress about it anymore though. I know he will not starve himself.

- He has four teeth on the bottom and two on top. He is in the process of getting more. In fact, the doctor looked in his mouth yesterday and said "Wow! He's teething..." He has unfortunately gotten 1 tooth at a time since he was 7 months old. It has honestly been 5 months of non-stop teething and hopefully it will let up for him soon.

- Some of his interests right now as far as toys/books include: Mickey Mouse (of course), his slide, cars, trucks, trains, balls, dinosaurs, and animals. He loves animals actually. I found a little plastic cow in his crib this morning that he must have been holding in his hand when he went to sleep last night.

- He loves to "hoard" things in his hands - especially cereal and small toys. I usually find him in his crib after a nap with cereal gripped in his hands. We also have discovered that he will hide his toys in various places but then forgets where he put them. It kind of reminds of a squirrel that buries his nuts. It is very cute. :) I don't know why he does this though because we let him have all the cereal that he wants. :)

- He has really been doing more "talking" the last few weeks. We understand very little of it but I think that very soon he will be saying a whole bunch. I know for sure that he says "mama" and "uh-oh." I think he tries very hard to say "ball" and I think he says "go-go" instead of "bye-bye." And he has a lot to say when I say "Mickey Mouse." It is so cute because I know that he knows exactly what he's saying even if we don't. He will often "talk" as he looks at books and "sing" with us. It's hard to describe what his singing is like -- maybe a low hum. It is so cute! You have to hear it!

- Unfortunately his separation anxiety has returned with a vengeance, especially when it comes to the church nursery. I know though that "this too shall pass" just like everything else I have unnecessarily stressed about and know that it is just part of normal development for a little one.

- I love when he is amused and laughs so hard - at Daddy being silly, or when we fall down on the bed with him yelling "timber", or when we pretend like we are asleep on the floor and are "snoring" and then we he touches our face we open our eyes and say "boo," or when we stomp during "If you're happy and you know it." I love to watch him laugh and will do just about anything to make it happen. :)


Well, I know that was a bunch and there's probably still a million more things that I could say. Stephen and I have loved being James' Mama and Daddy for 365+ days now and look forward to all the days that we have with him in the years ahead.

James, 
The second you entered this world, God gave me a love for you that is hard to comprehend. You have filled our lives with even more joy and inspired us to be better in ways that you'll probably never fully understand. We love you so much and pray that you will always know that you are loved and that your life is so valuable! We pray also that you'll understand how much God loves you and that you were created by Him to be exactly who you are. You matter, sweet boy. You matter to us and you matter to God. We will always value what you have to say and will never be too busy when it comes to spending time with you. As you grow you may find that the world can be cruel at times, but I pray that our home can be your soft, safe place to fall. Please forgive us in advance for the ways that we may fail you in the future. We will never be the perfect parents but we have trusted our lives to the only One that is. May you come to know Jesus and loves Jesus all of your days, may you be content in whatever circumstances in which you find yourself in this life. and in whatever you do may your life bring glory to Jesus Christ. We love you, James - to the moon and back. 
Love, Mama and Daddy

And...very soon I will post about his Birthday Weekend. I promise. :) But I think I have broken a cardinal rule of blogging with a post thing long, so I'm signing off for today. :)

Psalm 34:18

I posted a great passage of Scripture a few days ago that I wanted to memorize for February. This morning I deleted that post (and may come back to it later this year) and am posting a new verse that has been a comfort to me over the last few days. This weekend we celebrated James' First Birthday! It was such a joyful occasion celebrating his first year of life, and I will post pictures and details specifically about that very soon! I promise. :)

In the midst of a joyful celebration of  James' life, our hearts were also heavy for the loss and suffering that some of our dear friends were experiencing. It made my worries about food, cake, and balloons (extraneous party details) seem so silly. It made me realize what a true celebration of life a birthday really is and should always be. It made me even more thankful for my little boy and for God giving us this year with him - not because of anything we've done or our efforts but because God graciously sustained his life for all 365 of those days. I am grieving for our friends and for so many others in my life the last few months and years that have experience such great loss in their lives. My heart is broken over what they have experienced. I cannot even imagine. I won't share any details or stories - they are not my stories to tell. There is just so much suffering in this world and I honestly don't know how people survive the storms of this life without a relationship with Jesus. It makes sharing the Gospel with those around us seem all the more urgent. I am so thankful for Jesus! And for hope and peace that comes from Him even in suffering. And for the hope of heaven.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He recues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 

I didn't listen...

I didn't listen...

... and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. It's not that I didn't remember the pediatrician's advice, or didn't browse the books and articles about infant sleep, or read the weekly babycenter updates that came to my inbox. I heard and read and remembered them all. I did. I really did. It's just that this afternoon somewhere between rocking and singing and reading books together about dinosaurs and freight trains, you fell asleep. And just as I was about to go lay you down in your crib so that I could take care of the long list of things that I needed to do, I looked down at you sleeping so peacefully in my arms and decided that I was going to hold you close for a little while longer. And for a few seconds the advice of the sleep experts flooded my thoughts - about how I might mess up your sleep cycles, or delay your ability to self-soothe, or make you depend on me too much - and who I am to question them because I'm far from an expert on sleep. Actually, I'm far from an expert on anything really. But then I pushed all that aside because while I may not be an expert on many things or anything - I am the closest thing that there is to an expert on you, sweet boy. 

That doesn't mean that I have it all figured out because I certainly don't. And I've doubted myself many times about the decisions that I've made. But I am the one and only Mama that you'll ever have. And I have fed you, and held you, and dressed you, and bathed you, and read to you, and sang to you, and comforted you every single day for almost 365 days now. I know when your cry is urgent and when it's more of a whine. I know the sound of your giggle and your belly laugh. I know your favorite foods, and toys, and books. I recognize when you' re in pain, or you're scared, or the days that you just need a little extra attention. I know what you want many times before you even try to communicate it. I'm your Mama and I know you better than anyone.

So this afternoon as I let you sleep in my arms, I just got lost in reflection of all the memories of this first year with you. And as I looked down at your face, I saw the same little face of the miracle that was laid upon my chest when you were born almost a year ago - just looking a little older now. And as I breathed in your sweet baby smell, I breathed in the same familiar smell I've always known - just smelling a little more like cheerios these days and a little less like spit-up. 

I didn't listen...and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. But let's be honest, sweet boy. It wasn't the first time (not even close) and it may not be the last. But the last will come - just like the last time you play in the tub until your toes are wrinkly, or the last time you fall asleep to songs and bedtime stories with Mama and Daddy, or the last night of wearing footed pajamas to bed that I'll surely try and squeeze you into until your toes are peeping out of the fabric, or the last day of never having had your first haircut, or the last time you hold my hand as we cross the street. You will eventually outgrow rocking and sleeping in my arms and sitting on my lap. You will grow up - exactly like you're supposed to. And as is the great paradox of motherhood, that while my heart breaks I will be so proud and will cheer you on every step of the way. The same way I cheered on your very first steps. 

I didn't listen.. and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. And although the sleep experts might have frowned upon it, it seemed right. No, it was right. It was right to hold you close for a little longer...while I still can. It was right to hold you close...you, my sweet boy, the exact baby that I always wanted. And I wouldn't change a single thing about you or a single thing about this year (except maybe to worry less and trust my Mama heart more). 

I didn't listen...and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. And I don't regret it. Not at all. Not even a little bit.