Long, long, long (possibly irrational) thoughts of a pregnant woman days before labor

I have always loved writing as a way to express my feelings and myself. It’s almost the same feeling you get after a good workout and you’ve poured out every bit of energy into that run or swim. When I write from that deepest, most truthful place and the words almost seem to take life on the page in front of me, it feels as if I have reigned in all these thoughts, dreams, hopes, and fears into some presentable package that I can make sense of and that even possibly someone else that is reading those thoughts can make sense of as well. But the truth is that I enjoy writing so much more when I do it just for myself and there is no risk of being judged or misinterpreted. Even when living your life with the best of intentions, this is unfortunately inevitable. Which is possibly why I’m not as frequent of a blogger as I initially thought I would be. But I liked the idea in the beginning – expressing myself through writing, keeping family and friends updated on life events, and (another one of my favorite things about writing) documenting life to look back on and remember later...

With that being said, since we found out we were expecting our first child it has been much easier to blog. There seems to be so much more that I can share and it seems to have a greater appeal value than blogging about what I cooked for dinner or how Stephen stubbed his toe… (yes, I think I did blog about that…yikes!).  After learning from the doctor last Monday that it appeared labor was very near and I was having pretty regular (although not painful) contractions and was already progressed almost halfway to 10 cm, she told us she felt it would be hours or days at most until our little boy was here. Well, to the amazement of us all it has been seven days and James is still not here. And while there have been many laughs and light-hearted moments throughout this past seven days, it has also been an extremely difficult week in many ways as well. I just want to document all that I’m feeling. Not just the funny and light-hearted but the fears and anxieties that have accompanied these days and what I am hopefully learning through this waiting. I hope it only come across as just an honest picture of my heart and doesn’t sound in any way like I’m ungrateful for this amazing gift that I’m about to receive.

38 busy (healthy and wonderful) weeks of a pregnancy seem to fly by! I remember just a few weeks ago being asked if I was nervous or scared and I replied, “I haven’t had time to worry.” Having been at home (not working) waiting it out now for a week, I’ve had time to think about a lot. Questions run through my mind like: Will I be a good Mom? Do Stephen and I have what it takes? Will everything go smoothly with the delivery? Will the marriage that I love and cherish only get stronger with this new addition and will our love for each other just continue to grow?

As we’ve been back and forth to the doctor the last week to check blood pressure and amniotic fluid levels, I’ve thought a lot about the health of my baby and have prayed that God would just continue to protect him the way He has every day of this pregnancy. Having talked to both my Mom and Dad (and other family members and friends) every single day since Monday (which is not typical of us), I can sense the excitement and anxiety of just the unknown in their voices and although I have always know that they love me have felt an even greater understanding of their depth of love and concern for me as well. I’ve probably told my mother-in-law of every possible body change imaginable and she has just listened and supported me…I am so thankful.

I’ve laid in bed the last two nights just crying, thinking, praying and realizing that no one/nothing prepares you for what you feel emotionally in the days leading up to the delivery of a baby. Stephen and I have hugged, cried, talked, searched our souls, and he has prayed over my life like never before. Words cannot express how blessed I am to have him for a husband to share my life with. He’s so easy to love and it brings me the greatest joy to just watch how he lives and the simple things in life that bring him so much joy. (I’m in tears even as I type this…).

Emotionally I am getting tired. Every day has been sort of like pumping yourself up for a big test or big game only to discover that it has been postponed. I’m tired mentally with all of the thoughts and questions and weighing your decisions against the backdrop of your doctor’s advice for you combined with your own instincts. I want everyone that we love to be able to here to welcome James into the world and be happy when he does decide to arrive and I realize I cannot control schedules or circumstances or feelings. Physically I am getting tired too despite doing my best to allow myself rest. I’m starting to experience a lot more pain and pressure because of the extremely low position of the baby and am definitely not able to move around like I was even a few days ago. It just feels like it is time and yet we know that we do not get to decide when a baby comes into this world and that God knows the exact moment that James will breathe his first breath outside of my belly. I know that God is teaching me through this uncertainty and through this waiting and while it may not all be realized before James gets here, I know that God will use even this week (possibly longer) of waiting for His good and for His purpose.

So, I realize this is LONG and possibly just sounds like the irrational ramblings of a pregnant woman. I also realize that some mother out there is probably dying to tell me “If you think you are tired now just wait until he gets here…” But I just basically just wanted to express my heart in the days before James’ birth and just want to wrap up with a verse that has resonated with me for a long time now and that continues to resonate with me in this moment:

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

We are waiting on the Lord. Trusting Him in all of this. Praying for the discernment to make the decisions necessary that our best for the health of our unborn son. Believing that God has ordained his life and his birth and the exact minute, moment, day, and hour that he arrives is according to His perfect plan.

We are anxious, excited, and ready and in the midst of all these feelings I am choosing JOY!

Please, please, please pray for us!

I can't believe that's me...

This is really me at 37 weeks with 6 pounds 9 ounces of sweet baby boy inside. I kept looking at this picture last night and saying over and over "I can't believe that's me..." It is shocking to see the changes that your body goes through during the course of a pregnancy but I am so very thankful for the privilege to be the one to get to do it. I have felt great and really enjoyed the last nine months. I've enjoyed carrying our little guy everywhere with me, have enjoyed our conversations, and have actually loved ALL of his little punches and pushes. I am also looking forward to him being here soon - carrying him everywhere in my arms instead of my belly and having the opportunity to hear him talk back in sweet baby language. This past Monday we got to find out James' current weight and see him on our final ultrasound. He is so incredibly crowded now and we really couldn't make out any features! The doctor said for a first baby I'm making really good progress. Based on that report and just the changes I've been experiencing, Stephen and I feel like he could be here soon. Maybe even in January. But we'll wait and see. God's timing is perfect and we are content to let him come in the Lord's time. We go back to the doctor again on Monday so maybe we'll know more then. Thank you for your continued prayers for the three of us!

Paid in Full

A day that I had been waiting on for quite some time just recently came. I had literally dreamed and imagined what it would be like far too many times over the last four years and how I would respond when this day came. Would I scream, breathe a sigh of relief, or dance around in delight? Would I shout it from the rooftops or just smile and celebrate inwardly that it had finally come? This wonderful day that I had hoped for was... the day that I would no longer owe any more money to the South Carolina Student Loan Corporation and we would officially be debt free. Silly? Maybe...but to me it was a day that I longed for! It was a goal that we hoped to achieve before our first child was born and with James' due date only 5 weeks away, it seems that we met our goal in just the nick of time.

I'm not sure exactly why it has always bothered me so much to have this school debt. Everyone says that college loans are a "good debt" to have if you have to have debt. I have no regrets about the college that I chose. My college experience was so great and I know that I was exactly where God wanted me for those four years of my life. I knew clearly from the minute that I walked on the campus of Anderson University that I was at home. However, when school was over and my loan payments began it always felt like a big looming burden hanging over me that I owed something to someone that I could not quickly repay.

Well, we worked, saved, and payed large chunks of money toward the loan each month until finally this past month we were able to pay the rest of the loan down to the last cent. A letter came in the mail today and when Stephen came to my work this afternoon he had the letter laying on the console of the car. I saw the logo that I had seen so many times before on that familiar stationary and then I saw the word "Congratulations!" It literally jumped off the page. These monthly statements said many things but never had one began with the word congratulations.

It wasn't the magical moment I had envisioned. There were no fireworks or victory dances although I did squeal a little. The joy I felt to read those words that in a nutshell said - "Congratulations, your debt is paid in full" felt like music to my ears as I thought about how hard we had worked to pay it off. Could there be any better news in all the world?

And then it hit me. Like a brick. Actually, more like a ton of bricks. I had been worrying, dreaming, hoping, praying, and WORKING for so long to pay back this debt that really pales in comparison to another debt I owed not so long ago. Jesus paid a debt for me on the cross that I could NEVER repay no matter how hard I hoped or worked. No matter how long I waited and dreamed. And the best part about it is that He never wanted me to work to pay it back. He paid my debt in full and I had to do nothing but receive His free gift. I have a letter from my Lord and Savior full of "congratulations" and "your debt is paid in full." The letter doesn't say "we'd be happy to loan you more money in the future." Instead, it says "I love you always - with an everlasting love." It's a letter that I often take for granted and there are too many days that I don't delight in the fact that this great debt is paid in full simply because God loves me and calls me His child. Not because of anything that I did to deserve it...

I praise God for paying my debt in full and for simple reminders of this truth presented in mundane events of the day. I pray that you too would rejoice in the debt that Jesus paid on the cross for us all and that you wouldn't strive and labor anymore but would accept this free, most gracious gift of love.

I find myself praying many things for my unborn little boy these days. And so, today, Father, I pray that James would receive the free gift of your son Jesus one day soon and that he would come to know Your great love for him. I pray that he wouldn't try to work to earn your love or acceptance but would simply embrace the gift of a relationship with you. I pray that he would know your love for him. I pray that Stephen and I could in some small way love him in a way that he would understand how much his Heavenly Father loves him. I pray he would trust you with his life. Thank you for paying his debt in full....

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

29 Weeks

I just wanted to blog briefly and share our newest picture of our little guy. It is so great to see his sweet face after imagining and dreaming about what he would look like for so long. I know when we hold him in our arms in just 11 short weeks it will even more amazing! I'm feeling great and am very healthy! I praise God for good reports (for both James and for me) each time from the doctor. We are hoping he will stay cozy in there until February 11 and won't come early (the longer he's in my belly the less I have to be away from him at the end of this school year). I am measuring just a few days behind so we aren't expecting him to make a surprise arrival but you never know... :) Thanks for all of your prayers!

Here is a picture of my growing belly as well! I've read I will still probably be putting on about 10 more pounds in the weeks ahead. I'm going to enjoy seeing my toes for as long as I can!

Baby Canon!

We had the privilege of living a few doors down from Jess and Rachel Rainer while we were living in Wake Forest. Their baby boy, Canon John Rainer, was born just a few nights ago. He is absolutely beautiful and we wish we could be there to share in the joy that I know they must be feeling right now. I just wanted to share a link to Jess' dad's blog from October 15th so that you can read "A Letter to my Grandson." It is a powerful, moving commitment that he makes to pray for baby Canon and and to support and affirm him and his parents as well as they raise their baby unto the Lord. I pray that baby James will have to same privilege of having grandparents that pray for him and affirm him for who God made him to be. Here is the link (the blog is dated October 15): http://www.thomrainer.com/.

James' Nursery and My Growing Belly

We had a wonderful time last weekend when James' Nana and Grandpa came for a visit and helped Stephen get his nursery (pretty much) ready. We might not have a single diaper or bottle yet, but we made certain that he will have a cute nursery whenever he makes his debut! I am so thankful for all the hard work that they put into making his room so special and just for them coming to spend time with us. We always love when they visit! I thought I would post a picture of his room.

Also, week 21 and 22 have brought quite the belly. People at school have actually started to notice that I'm pregnant and I'm getting lots of interesting questions and belly touches all the time. It's amazing what people share with you when you are pregnant and the number of awkward conversations but I guess its all part of the adventure... :) Well, here is a picture of my 22 week belly. Hope you enjoy!

P.S. As I am writing this, I am watching my stomach move from the little kicks and punches that are going on inside my belly from our little night owl. It is strange and amazing...and feels in some ways like an alien is inside of my body. How can people not know they are pregnant? That show on TLC is baffling to me especially right now when my body in no way looks or feels like my own...

Baby Kicks

I realize that all my posts are suddenly about our baby boy and so I want to apologize (well, maybe just a little) if we have been talking about nothing else. Stephen and I love this little guy so much already and he already feels so much apart of our life and our family that I am just bursting to talk about him every chance I get.

I am 20 weeks and 2 days pregnant and feeling (for the most part) very good and healthy. I have really enjoyed being pregnant and even though I have already experienced many changes, I often ask Stephen if he is sad that he can't be the one to get to carry our son for these 40 weeks. Stephen assures me he is just fine with his role and I, of course, love mine and that's usually the end of that conversation -- I guess it's just the way God designed it all to be. :) But, really I do love my role as his mother. I feel like it's my greatest life privilege to be a mama to James Blake Johnson and a wife to Stephen Blake Johnson. Yes, that is our official blog announcement of his name. I'm not sure if I had done that yet...

James is growing quickly. We got to see him again on Monday and he is definitely filling up his space. We told him Sunday night that he had a big test the next day - his anatomy scan - and after our talk he cooperated with only mild stubbornness in letting us see his heart, spine, kidneys, face, etc. The doctor said everything looked "perfect" which is always what you want to hear. He is about 3/4 of a pound and as active as can be. I had felt little baby flutters for several weeks that were very inconsistent but starting Tuesday night I have felt baby kicks every day - in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night. :) Stephen got to feel him kicking for the first time on Thursday night. We were laying in bed and Stephen had his hand on my belly and I would say "that's another one" every time I felt a kick and but Stephen could not feel them. We would push on him and shake him until he would do it again. Finally, about 1 AM and almost asleep, James gave us one huge kick as if to say "let me go to sleep already" and Stephen said - "that was a big one" and it was. Stephen had felt his son kick for the first time and it was just a really special moment - one that you just want to freeze in time forever. Of course, Stephen decided to update twitter immediately probably waking up his mother and sister but we were on cloud 9. I wouldn't care if he kicked 100 times an hour... :)

I was getting ready early on Friday morning watching Stephen still sleeping and hogging his side and my side of the bed and feeling this little baby move around inside of my belly and just thinking about these two men who have invaded my life, so to speak, and changed it in so many ways. I just had to stop in that early morning moment and praise my Father for invading my heart and changing my life so many years ago when I accepted Jesus and for continuing to change me hopefully on a daily basis to make me more like his Son. I also thanked God for the gift of Stephen and James - gifts that I never want to take for granted. I feel like an amazingly blessed girl.

I am continuing to press on this school year - continuing to learn a lot about myself and God's leading in my life. I'm taking it one day at a time and praying God be glorified in what I offer each day to my students and to Him. It's not an easy job....but that's all I'll say about that. I am just praying for enough grace, strength, and patience for the day and letting the future worry about itself.

I am looking forward to James' Nana and Grandpa coming for a visit this weekend. They will be bringing the furniture for James' room that we ordered on our visit to AL and helping Stephen paint his room. I know we will have a fun time! :)

Thanks for all your prayers and love for us!

Kassi and Stephen