I have always loved writing as a way to express my feelings and myself. It’s almost the same feeling you get after a good workout and you’ve poured out every bit of energy into that run or swim. When I write from that deepest, most truthful place and the words almost seem to take life on the page in front of me, it feels as if I have reigned in all these thoughts, dreams, hopes, and fears into some presentable package that I can make sense of and that even possibly someone else that is reading those thoughts can make sense of as well. But the truth is that I enjoy writing so much more when I do it just for myself and there is no risk of being judged or misinterpreted. Even when living your life with the best of intentions, this is unfortunately inevitable. Which is possibly why I’m not as frequent of a blogger as I initially thought I would be. But I liked the idea in the beginning – expressing myself through writing, keeping family and friends updated on life events, and (another one of my favorite things about writing) documenting life to look back on and remember later...
With that being said, since we found out we were expecting our first child it has been much easier to blog. There seems to be so much more that I can share and it seems to have a greater appeal value than blogging about what I cooked for dinner or how Stephen stubbed his toe… (yes, I think I did blog about that…yikes!). After learning from the doctor last Monday that it appeared labor was very near and I was having pretty regular (although not painful) contractions and was already progressed almost halfway to 10 cm, she told us she felt it would be hours or days at most until our little boy was here. Well, to the amazement of us all it has been seven days and James is still not here. And while there have been many laughs and light-hearted moments throughout this past seven days, it has also been an extremely difficult week in many ways as well. I just want to document all that I’m feeling. Not just the funny and light-hearted but the fears and anxieties that have accompanied these days and what I am hopefully learning through this waiting. I hope it only come across as just an honest picture of my heart and doesn’t sound in any way like I’m ungrateful for this amazing gift that I’m about to receive.
38 busy (healthy and wonderful) weeks of a pregnancy seem to fly by! I remember just a few weeks ago being asked if I was nervous or scared and I replied, “I haven’t had time to worry.” Having been at home (not working) waiting it out now for a week, I’ve had time to think about a lot. Questions run through my mind like: Will I be a good Mom? Do Stephen and I have what it takes? Will everything go smoothly with the delivery? Will the marriage that I love and cherish only get stronger with this new addition and will our love for each other just continue to grow?
As we’ve been back and forth to the doctor the last week to check blood pressure and amniotic fluid levels, I’ve thought a lot about the health of my baby and have prayed that God would just continue to protect him the way He has every day of this pregnancy. Having talked to both my Mom and Dad (and other family members and friends) every single day since Monday (which is not typical of us), I can sense the excitement and anxiety of just the unknown in their voices and although I have always know that they love me have felt an even greater understanding of their depth of love and concern for me as well. I’ve probably told my mother-in-law of every possible body change imaginable and she has just listened and supported me…I am so thankful.
I’ve laid in bed the last two nights just crying, thinking, praying and realizing that no one/nothing prepares you for what you feel emotionally in the days leading up to the delivery of a baby. Stephen and I have hugged, cried, talked, searched our souls, and he has prayed over my life like never before. Words cannot express how blessed I am to have him for a husband to share my life with. He’s so easy to love and it brings me the greatest joy to just watch how he lives and the simple things in life that bring him so much joy. (I’m in tears even as I type this…).
Emotionally I am getting tired. Every day has been sort of like pumping yourself up for a big test or big game only to discover that it has been postponed. I’m tired mentally with all of the thoughts and questions and weighing your decisions against the backdrop of your doctor’s advice for you combined with your own instincts. I want everyone that we love to be able to here to welcome James into the world and be happy when he does decide to arrive and I realize I cannot control schedules or circumstances or feelings. Physically I am getting tired too despite doing my best to allow myself rest. I’m starting to experience a lot more pain and pressure because of the extremely low position of the baby and am definitely not able to move around like I was even a few days ago. It just feels like it is time and yet we know that we do not get to decide when a baby comes into this world and that God knows the exact moment that James will breathe his first breath outside of my belly. I know that God is teaching me through this uncertainty and through this waiting and while it may not all be realized before James gets here, I know that God will use even this week (possibly longer) of waiting for His good and for His purpose.
So, I realize this is LONG and possibly just sounds like the irrational ramblings of a pregnant woman. I also realize that some mother out there is probably dying to tell me “If you think you are tired now just wait until he gets here…” But I just basically just wanted to express my heart in the days before James’ birth and just want to wrap up with a verse that has resonated with me for a long time now and that continues to resonate with me in this moment:
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
We are waiting on the Lord. Trusting Him in all of this. Praying for the discernment to make the decisions necessary that our best for the health of our unborn son. Believing that God has ordained his life and his birth and the exact minute, moment, day, and hour that he arrives is according to His perfect plan.
We are anxious, excited, and ready and in the midst of all these feelings I am choosing JOY!
Please, please, please pray for us!
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