I didn't listen...

I didn't listen...

... and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. It's not that I didn't remember the pediatrician's advice, or didn't browse the books and articles about infant sleep, or read the weekly babycenter updates that came to my inbox. I heard and read and remembered them all. I did. I really did. It's just that this afternoon somewhere between rocking and singing and reading books together about dinosaurs and freight trains, you fell asleep. And just as I was about to go lay you down in your crib so that I could take care of the long list of things that I needed to do, I looked down at you sleeping so peacefully in my arms and decided that I was going to hold you close for a little while longer. And for a few seconds the advice of the sleep experts flooded my thoughts - about how I might mess up your sleep cycles, or delay your ability to self-soothe, or make you depend on me too much - and who I am to question them because I'm far from an expert on sleep. Actually, I'm far from an expert on anything really. But then I pushed all that aside because while I may not be an expert on many things or anything - I am the closest thing that there is to an expert on you, sweet boy. 

That doesn't mean that I have it all figured out because I certainly don't. And I've doubted myself many times about the decisions that I've made. But I am the one and only Mama that you'll ever have. And I have fed you, and held you, and dressed you, and bathed you, and read to you, and sang to you, and comforted you every single day for almost 365 days now. I know when your cry is urgent and when it's more of a whine. I know the sound of your giggle and your belly laugh. I know your favorite foods, and toys, and books. I recognize when you' re in pain, or you're scared, or the days that you just need a little extra attention. I know what you want many times before you even try to communicate it. I'm your Mama and I know you better than anyone.

So this afternoon as I let you sleep in my arms, I just got lost in reflection of all the memories of this first year with you. And as I looked down at your face, I saw the same little face of the miracle that was laid upon my chest when you were born almost a year ago - just looking a little older now. And as I breathed in your sweet baby smell, I breathed in the same familiar smell I've always known - just smelling a little more like cheerios these days and a little less like spit-up. 

I didn't listen...and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. But let's be honest, sweet boy. It wasn't the first time (not even close) and it may not be the last. But the last will come - just like the last time you play in the tub until your toes are wrinkly, or the last time you fall asleep to songs and bedtime stories with Mama and Daddy, or the last night of wearing footed pajamas to bed that I'll surely try and squeeze you into until your toes are peeping out of the fabric, or the last day of never having had your first haircut, or the last time you hold my hand as we cross the street. You will eventually outgrow rocking and sleeping in my arms and sitting on my lap. You will grow up - exactly like you're supposed to. And as is the great paradox of motherhood, that while my heart breaks I will be so proud and will cheer you on every step of the way. The same way I cheered on your very first steps. 

I didn't listen.. and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. And although the sleep experts might have frowned upon it, it seemed right. No, it was right. It was right to hold you close for a little longer...while I still can. It was right to hold you close...you, my sweet boy, the exact baby that I always wanted. And I wouldn't change a single thing about you or a single thing about this year (except maybe to worry less and trust my Mama heart more). 

I didn't listen...and this afternoon I let you sleep in my arms. And I don't regret it. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

Outside, Outside

If I was ever unsure of it before, James is most definitely a walker now. He had just been taking steps for a while but one day last week he decided to really take off. Now he's walking and trying to run everywhere. Even though it is really cold in NC in January I've been taking him outside the last few days when it's not bitter cold to let him have a little more space to explore. I know we are going to have so much fun outdoors this spring! :)

James, every day you are doing something new and I am amazed that you are the same little baby boy that we brought home from the hospital almost a year ago now. Even though you don't say "outside" yet, I know that you understand now when I say it and seem excited about getting out of the house and getting the chance to explore. And just at the sound of the word "outside," you seem a little more patient with me than usual about having your busyness interrupted so that I can put on your jacket and hat. I love to watch you take those sweet, wobbly little steps. I love to see your rosy little cheeks and toothy grin peeking out of your very bulky coat as you delight in your outdoor playtime. I love to watch you throw the ball and squeal when I throw it back to you. And even though I say "careful, careful" so many times, I really do think that it's so precious that within seconds of being outside you've already found a rock, a stick, and a leaf that you refuse to let go of until we are back in the house. I am amazed at all the ways that you have grown and changed this year and all the ways that you have helped us grow and change this year too. And even though this day of playing outside makes me a little sad to recognize that this first year is almost behind us, I am looking forward to all the fun things we will do together this next year too! I'm looking forward to the day that you say "outside, outside" for the first time and run to get your coat for me to put on you. James, you are so loved and so wanted - don't ever forget that!
Love, Mama

Just For Fun :)

Stephen and I were looking at old baby pictures the other night and definitely saw the face of our sweet baby (I'm going to say baby for as long as I can) in some of those pictures! We thought it would be fun to share the comparisons. :)

James has his Daddy's smile but also has some very serious looks like his Mama! Whoever he looks like, he is precious and perfect and very much him! :) What do you think?

Philippians 4:8

Here is my second verse for January (fashionably late - not that I'm fashionable!). I am loving Philippians this month it seems... :) But this is a great verse about focusing our thought life on things of God! I definitely struggle in this area at times and knew this is one that I needed/wanted to commit to memory. Hope it will be an encouragement to you too!

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8

Freedom in Forgiveness

I have been doing some Old Testament reading this month, and have been reading in Genesis the incredible story of Joseph being sold into slavery by his brothers, being thrown into prison for a crime he didn't commit, interpreting the dreams of Pharaoh which led to him being not just released from prison but put in charge of all of Egypt, and eventually the reunion with his brothers and Father and an incredible story of forgiveness. No matter how many times I read this story, I am moved and challenged by Joseph's example. The people that should have loved him most and treated him best, his family, did an unthinkable thing and yet he chose to forgive them, treat them graciously and generously, and even recognized how God had used what they'd done for good saying in Genesis 50:20, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." He looked beyond himself, his pain, his hurtful past and saw the goodness of God. His story makes our sometimes petty disagreements seem foolish and small, huh?

I have also been reading The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson and was struck by what he said about forgiveness in his book: 

"Forgiveness is a choice, a decision of your will. Since God requires you to forgive, it is something you can do. Sometimes it is very hard to forgive someone because we naturally want revenge for things we have suffered. Forgiveness seems to go against our sense of what is right and fair. So we hold on to our anger, punishing people over and over again in our minds for the pain they've caused us. But we are told by God never to take our own revenge (Romans 12:19). Let God deal with the person. Let him or her off your hook because as long as you refuse to forgive someone, you are still hooked to that person. You are still chained to your past, bound to your bitterness...Until you let you let go of your anger and hatred, the person is still hurting you. You can't turn back the clock and change the past, but you can be free from it. You can stop the pain, but there is only one way to do it -- forgive."

And also: (something that I had not totally thought of before or heard expressed this way)

"Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another person's sin. You are going to live with those consequences anyway whether you like it or not, so the only choice you have is whether you will do so in the bondage of bitterness or in the freedom of forgiveness. No only truly forgives without accepting and suffering the pain of another person's sin. That can seem unfair and you may wonder where the justice is in it, but justice is found at the cross, which makes forgiveness legally and morally right. Jesus took the eternal consequences of sin upon Himself. God 'made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him' (2 Corinthians 5:21). We, however, often suffer the temporary consequences of other people's sins. That is simply a harsh reality of life all of us have to face."

We all have experienced hurt and pain and have struggled with bitterness and unforgiveness. I pray that you (and I) can experience the "freedom of forgiveness" as we learn to forgive others. 

11 Months!

James is now 11 months old! Even though he will always be my baby, 11 months old seems so much closer to toddlerhood than to those early baby days I knew would never last long enough. As I anticipate his first birthday and the anniversary of me becoming a mother, I recognize the many ways he is growing and changing every day. His life (like all of life) is a testimony to God's amazing design in creating each of us with so much complexity and each of us with our own unique, individual qualities. Every funny thing that James does or every time I literally get to watch him learn something new right before my eyes, I am reminded in Scripture of how God knit together his life. What a celebration of life are the words of Psalm 139:14-16: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Here are some of the things James is doing at 11 months old:

- Wearing mostly 12 month clothes and a few 9 month pants and size 3 and 4 shoes

- Still taking two naps a days but fighting his morning nap some days (he would rather be exploring). He sleeps about 13 hours total between naps and nighttime sleep.

- Now has four teeth on the bottom and one (almost 2) on the top with 2 more right behind those. 

- Showing more of an interest in solids than ever before, but some days would just rather be playing. He has not really taken to meat or cheese yet though.

- Still says "mama" and now says "ba-ba" for ball.

- Has started walking everywhere the last few days!

- Continues to love Mickey Mouse!

- Discovered his tongue the last few days and sticks it out all the time. He also point to his Mickey stuffed animal's tongue.

- Really loves playing with balls right now and will throw the ball to you!

- Has started to figure out how to roll his cars and trains back and forth on the floor.

- Loves our toilet, trash can, and diaper champ and we must constantly keep him out of them!

- Loves brushing his teeth! He squeals when he hears the toothbrush rattling in the holder as we're taking it out and starts to lick his lips. 

- Is curious about everything and just moves (crawls, cruises, walks, climbs) and explores all day long. 

- Is very strong willed and does not like hearing us tell him no! He definitely understands "no" but does not always listen when we say "no." 

- Has really started to enjoy looking at pictures of animals in books that we are reading and laughs when I name and point to the different animals.

- Has signed "eat" a few times and when I sign and say "eat" (if he's hungry) he will stop what he's doing and crawl toward the high chair

- He is very ticklish and squeals and screams when we tickle him

- He waves bye-bye and blows kisses sometimes. He does the "roll them up, roll them up" part of patty cake all day long! He does it when he first wakes up, is very tired, and even when he's very frustrated.

- He puts his fingers up to his mouth when he is looking for his "pacifier" and can't find it.

- His stranger anxiety is greatly improving and was able to stay in the nursery the whole church service without crying last week. It was a huge answer to prayer for us!

- Loves for people to pay attention to him when out in public and will stare at them until he gets their attention. He is definitely a people watcher (I can relate) and takes everything in. He also loves to watch people sweep however he hates the dust buster and vacuum. 

Those are just some of the cute things that he is doing this month! It is a joy to spend time with him and watch his personality blossom. I can't believe that in less than a month our "baby" will be one. 

James, we love you so much and you have filled our lives with so much joy! Every day we thank God for you! Love, Mama and Daddy

Being a silly man as we tried to get a picture for his birthday invitation:

Our family on New Years Eve:

His 11 month pictures with Dumbo:

Philippians 3:13-14

I'm a few days behind posting my first verse for January, but better late than never. :) Praying this year will be about leaving the past behind and moving forward - keeping my eyes on Jesus. Happy NEW Year! I praise God that we have NEW life through Jesus!

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 3:13-14