A Clean Baby

Bath time with James was so fun tonight. Stephen and I were just captivated by this squirmy, peeing, round-bellied little boy. After we dried him and dressed him, I just sat and fed

him and could have breathed that sweet baby smell all night.

This picture makes me laugh. I just love this little face. Even his pitiful faces just make my heart melt. What did I ever do before James? I just cannot get over him. :)

The Arrival of James Blake

I know I have already shared quite a few details of James' arrival but I just wanted to briefly (or I'll try) blog the story of his birth. As I shared in earlier posts, we went to the doctor about 3 weeks before James was due for a regular doctor's visit. I took off half a day from school and told my students who were looking at me with huge eyes (I never take time off from work) not to worry and that I would be back tomorrow. When we got to the doctor we were surprised to discover that I was already dilated between 3 and 4 cm, 50 percent effaced, and James was at 0 station and all of this progress had happened in a week. Dr. Rogers was extremely surprised and both her and the nurse told us that we could expect him within days possibly even hours. She said she wouldn't be surprised if she saw us in the hospital tomorrow. She gave me a doctor's note that said I should stop work due to pregnancy complications (I had planned to work up until delivery) and go home and wait for the baby. We called all of our family and told them to be ready. It looked like James would be a January baby.

Well, we went home and wait we did. In the days that followed we had regular contractions, had a 2 hours stay in the hospital one night where I was hooked up to the monitor and having contractions but none that would make enough progress for me to stay, went to multiple doctor's visits for further ultrasounds to make sure my amniotic fluid levels were in a safe range for the baby, and even got to the point that it was really painful to walk or move around much. I had a lot of time to think, pray, and rest and am so grateful now for the days that I had at home not working. 39 weeks came and Dr. Rogers felt we should induce labor (although she said we'd never make it to that day but amazingly we did) and so at 6 AM Friday, February 5th we arrived at the hospital ready to meet our son. We had a great last night together (Thursday night). We ate at Moe's - one of my pregnancy favorites, watched a movie, and just talked and enjoyed our time together. I don't think either of us slept at all that night although we definitely tried our best.

Friday morning we arrived at the hospital. By 8 a.m. I was receiving pitocin so that I could begin making progress on my own and then shortly after I received an epidural which I had worried about for so long but was such a breeze. At 11 AM Dr. Rogers came in and broke my water and then things really started to take off. I started to progress probably about 2 cm an hour and by about 1:00 I felt pretty certain my epidural was not working. I was having sharp stabbing pains which did not feel like the "pressure" they had told me I would feel and ended up throwing up from the pain. I remember telling Stephen "if this is how you feel with an epidural, how could anyone do this without one?" The nurse ended up giving me another bolus and then very soon after I was actually able to almost sleep between contractions. During those painful hours, Stephen was a great coach. I don't remember everything he said to me. I know he did tell me "just breathe" and I said "I don't want to breathe." And I remember that I did tell him "I wish I was swimming laps right now" although I haven't the slightest clue why now.

At about 3:30 PM the nurse came in to check me and said I was at 10 cm and ready to push. I was surprised that I didn't even know it was time. I remember telling Stephen the whole labor process is so much different then the way it's depicted in a Friend's episode. I was so scared about the pushing part all along but it actually felt wonderful to push against the contractions and I felt relieved to be doing it. My nurse Meg (who I loved) coached me through about 45 minutes of pushing until she felt it was time for Dr. Rogers to come in and then at 4:27 PM James was born and laid on my chest. It was the most wonderful feeling I could have ever imagined. All I could do was cry and just look at my baby boy. A lot of things were going on around me as he was laying there on my chest, things that I thought I would pay a lot of attention to such as the cutting of the cord, but all I could focus on was our beautiful baby. Stephen told me later that I said a lot of really funny things (none of which I remember). I was told I asked Stephen "do you love him?" about 20 times and even asked the doctor if she loved him?

Our families got to come back about an hour later and see him get his first bath. The rest of the evening Stephen and I just got to hold and love on our sweet blessing. I thank God every single day for this child. As I watch him now sleeping in his bassinet, I am overcome with love for him. He is healthy and perfect and I feel so privileged to be his mother. We are obviously tired and are adjusting to waking up during the night and I'm making the big adjustment to breastfeeding which is tough, but I could not imagine life without him. I pray that God would allow me to just be everything he needs in a mother and I just pray that my life would point him to Jesus. I just can't believe I am so blessed to be Stephen's wife and James' mother. It's an incredible gift.

James is growing so fast and changing. I wish time could slow down because I know these newborn days will be gone in a flash. He is already almost 2 weeks old and we'll go to his 2 week doctor's appointment on Friday. I can't wait to see how much he's already grown. Stephen got on the scale with him last night and it looks like he is already weighing over 8 pounds, so that makes me feel like he is eating well! He already had his first snow at a week old in South Georgia (where there hasn't been snow for 13 years) and he lost his cord in the early morning hours of Valentine's Day. Life is so different - we rejoice in wet and poopy diapers and good nursing experiences because we know it means he's healthy.

Well, I said this would be brief and it's not...but I'm glad I recorded his birth story. In closing, I am blessed. Blessed with a wonderful husband who is my best friend and is just absolutely wonderful in every way and blessed with a sweet, precious son. I just give God glory and praise for it all!

More updates to come. Enjoy these pictures of James' arrival.

Welcome Baby Boy!

James Blake Johnson arrived on Friday, February 5, 2010 at 4:27 PM and we knew instantly that our lives would never be the same. He was 20.5 inches long and weighed 7 pounds, 12 ounces. He is the sweetest, most perfect little creature and I feel overwhelmed, overjoyed, and blessed beyond measure to be his mother. I can't believe he is already nine days old and know that the time will pass far too quickly. Stephen and I are just trying to soak up every second and rejoice in every moment - even 3 AM feedings! :) We will share much more about our little guy very soon. Here is a picture of James taken right after he was born.

Long, long, long (possibly irrational) thoughts of a pregnant woman days before labor

I have always loved writing as a way to express my feelings and myself. It’s almost the same feeling you get after a good workout and you’ve poured out every bit of energy into that run or swim. When I write from that deepest, most truthful place and the words almost seem to take life on the page in front of me, it feels as if I have reigned in all these thoughts, dreams, hopes, and fears into some presentable package that I can make sense of and that even possibly someone else that is reading those thoughts can make sense of as well. But the truth is that I enjoy writing so much more when I do it just for myself and there is no risk of being judged or misinterpreted. Even when living your life with the best of intentions, this is unfortunately inevitable. Which is possibly why I’m not as frequent of a blogger as I initially thought I would be. But I liked the idea in the beginning – expressing myself through writing, keeping family and friends updated on life events, and (another one of my favorite things about writing) documenting life to look back on and remember later...

With that being said, since we found out we were expecting our first child it has been much easier to blog. There seems to be so much more that I can share and it seems to have a greater appeal value than blogging about what I cooked for dinner or how Stephen stubbed his toe… (yes, I think I did blog about that…yikes!).  After learning from the doctor last Monday that it appeared labor was very near and I was having pretty regular (although not painful) contractions and was already progressed almost halfway to 10 cm, she told us she felt it would be hours or days at most until our little boy was here. Well, to the amazement of us all it has been seven days and James is still not here. And while there have been many laughs and light-hearted moments throughout this past seven days, it has also been an extremely difficult week in many ways as well. I just want to document all that I’m feeling. Not just the funny and light-hearted but the fears and anxieties that have accompanied these days and what I am hopefully learning through this waiting. I hope it only come across as just an honest picture of my heart and doesn’t sound in any way like I’m ungrateful for this amazing gift that I’m about to receive.

38 busy (healthy and wonderful) weeks of a pregnancy seem to fly by! I remember just a few weeks ago being asked if I was nervous or scared and I replied, “I haven’t had time to worry.” Having been at home (not working) waiting it out now for a week, I’ve had time to think about a lot. Questions run through my mind like: Will I be a good Mom? Do Stephen and I have what it takes? Will everything go smoothly with the delivery? Will the marriage that I love and cherish only get stronger with this new addition and will our love for each other just continue to grow?

As we’ve been back and forth to the doctor the last week to check blood pressure and amniotic fluid levels, I’ve thought a lot about the health of my baby and have prayed that God would just continue to protect him the way He has every day of this pregnancy. Having talked to both my Mom and Dad (and other family members and friends) every single day since Monday (which is not typical of us), I can sense the excitement and anxiety of just the unknown in their voices and although I have always know that they love me have felt an even greater understanding of their depth of love and concern for me as well. I’ve probably told my mother-in-law of every possible body change imaginable and she has just listened and supported me…I am so thankful.

I’ve laid in bed the last two nights just crying, thinking, praying and realizing that no one/nothing prepares you for what you feel emotionally in the days leading up to the delivery of a baby. Stephen and I have hugged, cried, talked, searched our souls, and he has prayed over my life like never before. Words cannot express how blessed I am to have him for a husband to share my life with. He’s so easy to love and it brings me the greatest joy to just watch how he lives and the simple things in life that bring him so much joy. (I’m in tears even as I type this…).

Emotionally I am getting tired. Every day has been sort of like pumping yourself up for a big test or big game only to discover that it has been postponed. I’m tired mentally with all of the thoughts and questions and weighing your decisions against the backdrop of your doctor’s advice for you combined with your own instincts. I want everyone that we love to be able to here to welcome James into the world and be happy when he does decide to arrive and I realize I cannot control schedules or circumstances or feelings. Physically I am getting tired too despite doing my best to allow myself rest. I’m starting to experience a lot more pain and pressure because of the extremely low position of the baby and am definitely not able to move around like I was even a few days ago. It just feels like it is time and yet we know that we do not get to decide when a baby comes into this world and that God knows the exact moment that James will breathe his first breath outside of my belly. I know that God is teaching me through this uncertainty and through this waiting and while it may not all be realized before James gets here, I know that God will use even this week (possibly longer) of waiting for His good and for His purpose.

So, I realize this is LONG and possibly just sounds like the irrational ramblings of a pregnant woman. I also realize that some mother out there is probably dying to tell me “If you think you are tired now just wait until he gets here…” But I just basically just wanted to express my heart in the days before James’ birth and just want to wrap up with a verse that has resonated with me for a long time now and that continues to resonate with me in this moment:

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

We are waiting on the Lord. Trusting Him in all of this. Praying for the discernment to make the decisions necessary that our best for the health of our unborn son. Believing that God has ordained his life and his birth and the exact minute, moment, day, and hour that he arrives is according to His perfect plan.

We are anxious, excited, and ready and in the midst of all these feelings I am choosing JOY!

Please, please, please pray for us!

I can't believe that's me...

This is really me at 37 weeks with 6 pounds 9 ounces of sweet baby boy inside. I kept looking at this picture last night and saying over and over "I can't believe that's me..." It is shocking to see the changes that your body goes through during the course of a pregnancy but I am so very thankful for the privilege to be the one to get to do it. I have felt great and really enjoyed the last nine months. I've enjoyed carrying our little guy everywhere with me, have enjoyed our conversations, and have actually loved ALL of his little punches and pushes. I am also looking forward to him being here soon - carrying him everywhere in my arms instead of my belly and having the opportunity to hear him talk back in sweet baby language. This past Monday we got to find out James' current weight and see him on our final ultrasound. He is so incredibly crowded now and we really couldn't make out any features! The doctor said for a first baby I'm making really good progress. Based on that report and just the changes I've been experiencing, Stephen and I feel like he could be here soon. Maybe even in January. But we'll wait and see. God's timing is perfect and we are content to let him come in the Lord's time. We go back to the doctor again on Monday so maybe we'll know more then. Thank you for your continued prayers for the three of us!

Paid in Full

A day that I had been waiting on for quite some time just recently came. I had literally dreamed and imagined what it would be like far too many times over the last four years and how I would respond when this day came. Would I scream, breathe a sigh of relief, or dance around in delight? Would I shout it from the rooftops or just smile and celebrate inwardly that it had finally come? This wonderful day that I had hoped for was... the day that I would no longer owe any more money to the South Carolina Student Loan Corporation and we would officially be debt free. Silly? Maybe...but to me it was a day that I longed for! It was a goal that we hoped to achieve before our first child was born and with James' due date only 5 weeks away, it seems that we met our goal in just the nick of time.

I'm not sure exactly why it has always bothered me so much to have this school debt. Everyone says that college loans are a "good debt" to have if you have to have debt. I have no regrets about the college that I chose. My college experience was so great and I know that I was exactly where God wanted me for those four years of my life. I knew clearly from the minute that I walked on the campus of Anderson University that I was at home. However, when school was over and my loan payments began it always felt like a big looming burden hanging over me that I owed something to someone that I could not quickly repay.

Well, we worked, saved, and payed large chunks of money toward the loan each month until finally this past month we were able to pay the rest of the loan down to the last cent. A letter came in the mail today and when Stephen came to my work this afternoon he had the letter laying on the console of the car. I saw the logo that I had seen so many times before on that familiar stationary and then I saw the word "Congratulations!" It literally jumped off the page. These monthly statements said many things but never had one began with the word congratulations.

It wasn't the magical moment I had envisioned. There were no fireworks or victory dances although I did squeal a little. The joy I felt to read those words that in a nutshell said - "Congratulations, your debt is paid in full" felt like music to my ears as I thought about how hard we had worked to pay it off. Could there be any better news in all the world?

And then it hit me. Like a brick. Actually, more like a ton of bricks. I had been worrying, dreaming, hoping, praying, and WORKING for so long to pay back this debt that really pales in comparison to another debt I owed not so long ago. Jesus paid a debt for me on the cross that I could NEVER repay no matter how hard I hoped or worked. No matter how long I waited and dreamed. And the best part about it is that He never wanted me to work to pay it back. He paid my debt in full and I had to do nothing but receive His free gift. I have a letter from my Lord and Savior full of "congratulations" and "your debt is paid in full." The letter doesn't say "we'd be happy to loan you more money in the future." Instead, it says "I love you always - with an everlasting love." It's a letter that I often take for granted and there are too many days that I don't delight in the fact that this great debt is paid in full simply because God loves me and calls me His child. Not because of anything that I did to deserve it...

I praise God for paying my debt in full and for simple reminders of this truth presented in mundane events of the day. I pray that you too would rejoice in the debt that Jesus paid on the cross for us all and that you wouldn't strive and labor anymore but would accept this free, most gracious gift of love.

I find myself praying many things for my unborn little boy these days. And so, today, Father, I pray that James would receive the free gift of your son Jesus one day soon and that he would come to know Your great love for him. I pray that he wouldn't try to work to earn your love or acceptance but would simply embrace the gift of a relationship with you. I pray that he would know your love for him. I pray that Stephen and I could in some small way love him in a way that he would understand how much his Heavenly Father loves him. I pray he would trust you with his life. Thank you for paying his debt in full....

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

29 Weeks

I just wanted to blog briefly and share our newest picture of our little guy. It is so great to see his sweet face after imagining and dreaming about what he would look like for so long. I know when we hold him in our arms in just 11 short weeks it will even more amazing! I'm feeling great and am very healthy! I praise God for good reports (for both James and for me) each time from the doctor. We are hoping he will stay cozy in there until February 11 and won't come early (the longer he's in my belly the less I have to be away from him at the end of this school year). I am measuring just a few days behind so we aren't expecting him to make a surprise arrival but you never know... :) Thanks for all of your prayers!

Here is a picture of my growing belly as well! I've read I will still probably be putting on about 10 more pounds in the weeks ahead. I'm going to enjoy seeing my toes for as long as I can!