She wasn't being judgmental, and I wasn't offended by her comment. I understood what she meant, and I recognized that she had made the comment in a joking manner. I'm sure she just expected a little laugh out of me, and then she'd go about her day. Unfortunately (for her), I'm not a big "laugher." (I know that sounds awful, but Stephen and I recently had a conversation about the fact that I don't always laugh at his jokes. I explained that it's not that I don't think he's funny, but I'm just serious by nature and it takes a lot to really make me laugh out loud. I told him that I'm usually just laughing on the inside. :) It sounds like an excuse but it's true!)
So, anyway, I guess that day I must have just "chuckled on the inside," and then I added "Well, if it makes him happy then it makes me happy." I could tell right away that she was afraid that she had offended me, and she began stumbling over her words trying to recover. And I was clearly no help since I am so serious, and trying to diffuse a situation with humor, on my part, would clearly be an epic fail. Anyway, I'm sure you're getting the picture. It was quite an awkward situation...
And then a few weeks later, I had a conversation with a lady that asked if I stayed at home with the boys and then responded by saying "I don't know how you do it. It would be hard for me to go all day without having conversations with real people." Once again, I understood the message she was trying to convey. She wasn't trying to be hurtful or judgmental. In fact, she went on a little later to "commend" me in what "must be very difficult," and I commended her for being able to balance the responsibilities of work and family.
I mention these few isolated events, but, honestly, I'm sure just about every mother has had a similar conversation at some point in their parenting journey. Or had a hostess at a restaurant inquire jokingly, "A table for 2 and a half?" And, let's be honest, a day where a baby is acknowledged as "half" is often better than not even being counted in the total at all. I'm not trying to nitpick or be overly sensitive. In fact, I'm sure I've made a similar comment at some point and likely will again. It's just that as I reflect on these conversations in light of the last four months with our little boy, the truth is that while at times I might feel stretched, I never have been ready to have Jude "off of me." And, while my boys are smaller and younger than I am, I don't feel like my days aren't spent with "real people." They aren't "half" or less of a person. They are just little (but very real!) people. A new baby may feel surreal for a little while but after a few explosive diapers, sleepless nights, and public temper tantrums, there is no denying reality. And, on the other hand, a baby that smiles from ear to ear when you walk in the room or a three year old that asks to hold your "soft, lovely hand" (a snapshot of my reality this week!) are sweet moments that are wonderfully real.
What I've come to realize after almost four years of my days spent mostly with my tiny little men, is that my responsibility to them and my conversations with them have grown and sharpened me more than any other job ever has. They have made me more, not less. Time spent with them is good for my serious soul. Their laughter is contagious. Their lives exude joy.
Real joy.
And that joy is evident to me in all of the little details of life with Jude at four months old:
Growth: Jude weighs 16 pounds, 11 ounces (73/%) and is 25 inches long (54%). He is wearing 3-6 month clothing and size 2 diapers.
Appearance: Brown Hair (that I think will eventually turn blonde like his big brother's hair) and Brown Eyes
Sleep: He still seems to take short catnaps during the day with one longer nap in the afternoon while James naps. His longest wakeful stretch is in the evening before going to sleep for the night. He was sleeping up to 8 hours at the beginning of the month, but has regressed to sleeping 6 hours at most before waking. I feed him when he wakes up (It just kills me to hear one of my babies cry for me and not respond to them, so I know that I will just continue to do so, like I did with James, and know that eventually he will sleep all night.) and he will sleep for several more hours.
Eating: He is nursing about every 3 hours during the day. We will probably introduce rice cereal around the five month mark and then begin to introduce other foods as well. Our doctor suggested as a guideline that he be up to eating 2 meals a day around 6 or 7 months and be up to 3 meals by 9 months. But if he's not, I know from experience these things have a way of working themselves out so I don't feel pressured or rushed. I will follow his cues to find the best balance for him.
Personality: Jude continues to be extremely easy-going and content. He is so alert and attentive to everything going on around him right now. He smiles at everyone including strangers. I often look behind me when we're out in public and realize that he's looking over my shoulder to smile at people (usually women). He's a little charmer! He will occasionally cry when he can't see me and someone else has asked to hold him. He is continually blowing bubbles, kicking his feet with delight, and just so happy about everything. He is extremely ticklish and laughs every time I change his clothes. He adores James and watches his every move. James loves that Jude is enamored with him and constantly says "Jude loves me! He loves me so much!" :)
Voice: He "talks" all the time and even screams. When he babbles, James thinks he's saying "Mama" or "no."
Movement: He's rolling over from front to back and back to front, bearing weight on his legs very well when pulled up to a standing position, and is very easily reaching and grabbing for toys to usually put in his mouth. He has also found his feet this month.
Health: He is spitting up quite a bit, but he doesn't seem bothered by it. Our doctor said spitting up tends to peak at this age. He still has a blocked tear duct that we are trying to massage to avoid him having to have it surgically opened (our doctor said at around a year it would be necessary). After being sick with his first cold this month, his eye was getting glued shut daily from all the drainage to the point that the doctor recommended bringing him in to rule out an eye infection. He also seems to be in the beginning stages of teething and his gums are starting to swell a bit. He is really a healthy baby and we are so thankful, but I'm recording these minor issues to note in his baby book when I have some time to work on it.
Milestones/Other: We have now made the transition to cloth diapers (with the occasional use of disposable diapers for church and overnight) which is so much easier than I could have expected. Jude is enjoying the exersaucer now, and he can sit with us at the table in his own highchair (a seat that attaches right onto the table) for a little while now. (I want him to be sitting a little better before he starts actually eating or sitting with us for long periods of time.) He took his first trip to the pumpkin patch this month. Mama and Daddy also bought him a little stuffed bunny (from Goodnight Moon) after Mama read The Birth Order Book (which made me want him to give him an animal that we had picked out just for him since all of his other toys were handed down.) He loves his bunny and already wraps his little arm around it. He is starting to enjoy peekaboo this month. He also wore overalls and jeans for the first time. He hasn't really had a babysitter yet except for staying in the church nursery one Sunday night for about 30 minutes. He is also getting special one-on-one time with Daddy every other Sunday night when I teach James' Awana class at church. The weeks that I'm not teaching, he usually just sleeps in the ergo carrier the entire time while I help in the class.
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