It doesn't even seem possible that it's already time to celebrate four whole years with you, sweet boy. The last four years have gone by in a blink, and this last year, in particular, I have watched the last little bits of baby give way to an independent, confident little boy. I feel a twinge of sadness when I think about how we can never go back in time to those baby days again, but, at the same time, I absolutely adore and delight in all the "big boy" things that you have become and are becoming (all the sweet, the silly, and the self-assurred things that you daily say and do that make us hurt with laughter!). Like you ask sometimes, "It's happy and it's sad, right Mama?" And it is. It's a bittersweet (but mostly sweet!) process of knowing when to hang on and when to let go, when to speak and when to listen, when to say "yes" and when to say "no" journey of parenthood. It's difficult but growing, painful (at times) but so gratifying, all-encompassing but altogether worth it all. The joy of having you in our life and the privilege of parenting you will always be worth any effort, or tears, or sacrifice on our part. May you always know what a treasure you are to us.
This year it seems like so much has happened in your little world.
We watched you practically potty train overnight right after your third birthday, my own little superhero in underpants! (I don't think you wore pants for the whole month of February!)
You became a brother in June, and our family and our hearts grew bigger.
I've watched you become such a precious (and adored) big brother to Jude. And although I feared how you would react to my attention being divided, I actually think that in you watching me share my time, my arms, and my love with our newest little addition that you only grew more confident in where you stand and in my unconditional love for you.
You really came out of your shell this year. And while I think you'll always have the characteristics of a cautious first-born to some extent, you have amazed us in the way you've blossomed in your friendships, your independence, and your ability to try new things. Once clinging to my leg in new situations, you are now becoming the one that brings others in. You are stubborn, spirited, silly, smart, and you literally never.ever.stop. You shine!
This year you were old enough to participate in preschool choir, Awana, and Upward with our church. It's been a joy to see you thrive in these activities and have the opportunity to volunteer and serve in your age group (and be a fly on the wall!). There's nothing more precious than a three year-old sheep or a tiny basketball player in uniform.
And even at such a young age, we already recognize that it will be important to find a healthy balance in not overcommitting as we move forward. You will only be little once. We are learning to distinguish between what is "good" and what is "best." And I am learning that parenting is all about setting boundaries for you (and for your good!) so that one day you can make healthy choices for yourself.
This year has been the most difficult in parenting you. You are testing the waters and pushing the limits, and I constantly find myself driven to my knees in how to best guide you. I've never understood my dependency on Jesus more than in the last four years because the stakes have never been higher. I can admit that I don't have all the answers. But in recognizing my inadequacies and trusting you ultimately to Him, that's a good place to be.
I read recently that the average four year-old asks about 400 questions a day. And I'm sure that's true. You have always been my curious one. And even yesterday morning, you were asking questions that I couldn't answer. And when I told you "I don't have all the answers," you asked "But do you have some?" Such a sweet conversation that made me smile but so profound at the same time. In this moment you are content to accept that "We will ask God what happened to the dinosaurs when we get to heaven." But I know that as you get older that you will inevitably wrestle with questions that are much more difficult in nature; questions about truth, pain, suffering, loss, and justice. These questions will be far more than mere curiousity but will be rooted in your own experiences in this fallen world in which we live. I vow to answer any and all of the questions that I can for as long as you are asking. And in the moments that I don't have all the answers or even some, I promise to walk with you through each one and point you to the One that has the answers to them all.
At the end of the day (and at the beginning!), it's all about Him! We celebrate the last four years of life with you, because of His good gift to us! We celebrate the fourth anniversary of your birth because of His goodness and His hand that has sustained and ordained these days with you. Anything good in you or in us is only because of Him. Your giggle, and your wit, and the joy that exudes from your fingertips and everything that we celebrate about you on this special day is an opportunity to ultimately praise God! And I pray that you would praise Him all of your days. Because He loves you (even more than I ever could!), and I can love you only because He first loved us. God loves you, like you always say, "in the morning, and noontime, and Christmastime too" and so do I!
Happy Fourth Birthday, Sweet James! So many things have changed in these last four years with you, but one thing that hasn't is our love and adoration of you. And regardless of what the years may bring, that is one thing that will always be constant. I pray this is your best year yet, and I can't wait to watch it unfold from my front row seat.
I love you forever and ever and ever,
Mama
(And Daddy and Jude too!)
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